two

I had another dream. A baby girl with dark curls and big round, brown eyes. I thought that maybe it would be my sister-in-law's baby. It was Ariel. My lion of God.
After my first loss I got pregnant two weeks later. Not on purpose but it was a blessing. My Aiden was born the next June. I was pregnant for thirteen months it seemed as I had only a short but aweful break between the two. He was gorgeous with lots of dark hair and big brown eyes. He is still gorgeous.
After about six months (after Aiden was born), I had the want for more kids. I think I needed to store them up;) I was pregnant again easily as always and then nauseous. I started to feel better. No one was worried. At my twleve week prenatal check, when you are supposed to hear a little heartbeat, my doctor couldn't find one. It gets a little fuzzy for me here... I went for an emergency ultrasound the next day. I knew what to expect. No heartbeat, sorry. I was sent back to the clinic only to find that most of the doctors were away at a seminar. I saw the one general practitioner left behind. He sent me to the gynocoligist not realizing that he was away too. I ended up in emerg days later. They were going to send me for a D&C and make me wait with a dead body inside me for more torturous days, but I was bleeding, and maybe septic. The doctor that had to see me then was the one who first sent me home to miscarry alone. My husband, whom I am so grateful for was there. This doctor was going to send me home to do the same as I had before. I imagined sitting in my bathtub with my toddler banging at the door. It makes me sick even now. My husband fought for me and there was no arguement. I had the miscarriage at the hospital. It was better that time. Not as painful. The only shock was that my water broke. Disturbing. It lasted four and a half hours. Like my first. Like my son. Like my beautiful daughter Gemma whom I would conceive six months later. I didn't see my babe that time. At least not in person. But I know what she looks like in heaven. My Gemma is blonde with blue eyes. My Ariel has dark curls like her daddy and big brown eyes.