I am not the boss.

Two nights ago, I was digging into my bible study and God reminded me of the scripture he had given me last year....PSALM 103~ Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the LORD,
O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and it's place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.
The LORD has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all.
Praise the LORD, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word. Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will. Praise the LORD, all his works everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.
A few different thoughts came out of this. Last year the part that stuck out to me the most was that God is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever.... But reading this the other night, the part that hit me, was that of God; who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems.... who crowns you with love and compassion.... My redeemer will heal me. I will not have a spirit of despair.
This last night while doing my bible study, I looked at this scripture again as I read Beth Moore's words about God's love and how unbelief is what gets in our way. About how God loves me. Of course I know this but it makes me squirm a bit. I want to put it some other way but there isn't one. I just don't like the word itself, so trite in the world. God is love, God loves me. If I do not believe it, then I am calling God a liar. And this is what I have been seeing recently; that God is my redeemer. There may be consequence to sin, but he forgives us so deeply and loves us so greatly that he renews us, even our diseases. He backtracks. He rebuilds us. Some consequences we can't take back, because we can't erase choices, but He redeems. I have to believe it. His word is truth.
The second thought came out of my prayers for my children. I have been waiting/hoping for a new mindset when it comes to dealing with my children and having patience. I was good at this to start, having an attitude of teaching/discipling them into knowing what is right. The more kids, and the more tired/in pain I have become, I have gotten away from that. Our society on a whole feeds into the mindset that kids are something that we all are entitled to, and that is not in line with God's truth; that children are a blessing. Therefore, kids are treated as an accessory; as something that is a stage of life and when they are grown, what a relief it is to see them go. I don't want that. I want a life where my children are treasured, where they always know they are loved and are confident that they have a voice. Where they still like to come home even when they have homes of their own, and where the teaching and nurturing doesn't end just because they can feed themselves.
A part of this Psalm reminded me of my love for my children. It made me think in a new way of how God loves me and how God loves them.... as far as the east is from the west.... I like to tell my eldest son that I love him big big big big big big loves. As I say this, I open my arms wider and wider until they are stretched out side to side. East to west. I had just been telling him at bedtime prayers, as I had hurt his feelings and had to apologize, that God loves him even more than I do. Could he imagine that. Mom loves as far as she can reach but God, He can reach further. He can love with unfailing love. He does. He is.

Our kids may be in our care, but God already has a purpose for them. They are already people in full, from before they were conceived (and there's another topic in my heart). I often think my kids are mine alone and consequentially, I might lose them in my sin or something. They aren't mine. I can rest in the fact that God has a plan and purpose for them from conception, he loves them more than I do (I can't possibly imagine/understand that love fully), and although I can train them up and influence them, I cannot lose them. They belong to God. I am not the boss. I want to encourage them. They have purpose even now. I love that. What a truth. They are a blessing. I have always known that but you know when you ask God to change something that you in yourself can't and He speaks to your spirit, it was like that. And so, God is answering more prayers. A year of rebuilding. I can see a little of what is to come, but the way in which it all comes together, is knit by God's purpose. I can rest in the fact that he knows what he is doing. He is building my faith.