jumble

I feel like I am mourning at this very moment. Like I am watching someone slip away from life and I can't stop it. They are in fact living but not to the fullness of who they are..... who they could be. In our mom's study this morning Beth Moore talked about her husband's trials in life and what how he had wondered, "what he could have been." It made my soul hurt when I think of those same thoughts. For me. For some others I love. But that is the inbetween. What her husband is, what I can be, what they can be, through what we know and experience, is so much greater. Huge. I am then overwhelmed in a good way. I can gather all theses trials and in retrospect point someone to God. My healer, my redeemer, my counsellor. There is no longer despair but joy. Tears of joy from the inside. I am better now. I am returning to me I find, but aged. Aged towards perfection. I don't just know with my mind, but with my soul. Where I once wanted to just lay down and wait for the end, I want to strive beyond these things and be used of God through them. I have nothing of my dreams. Nothing. Well, maybe in a sense I have it all but it wasn't all dreamy. First it was extremely painful. No wedding. First baby dead. I have so much to offer now in this. I am not all words. I know truth. I know the only one who redeems. I've known Him forever, but he's known me longer. Prepared for me. Prepared for you.
I don't know what's going on right now but something is. I think that God is preparing something. I've been waiting for my good friend to have her third babe and as I was making a gift, I found myself mourning for my lost daughter. I am so sad for my baby girl at the moment. I see her little face and curly hair often in my mind. I have mourned MacCrea so fully as his birth/death was traumatic but my girl was not as devastating in body. My heart is hurting for her right now. I want to give Gemma a sister but I know it will not replace my Ariel or make it better. I had a dream of a little girl with big eyes like her daddy and dark curly hair and she was that. My Gemma is beautiful and fair. She is completely different and so much like her momma was when I was young. I hate when these patches of grief swell to the surface. I feel though that God is birthing something new in my family and it is not how it looked before. It may not ever be another child.
Something is stirring within me. I feel like expectancy has turned to waiting. I feel affected by things around me. I don't want to go back in. I am not turning back. I will remain faithful. I will choose Him back. I need to go pray. I hate the times when I feel so responsible. The thoughts of "if I could only do something" surface. There are those people in our lives that make us feel that way though. Like dragging them with you. It is sad to see someone with potential, someone that you love, giving up.
Ugh. This post is all over the place. It is about friends blinded, it is about waiting. It is about this week and this day. It is about feeling heavy over things that I cannot change. It is about knowing that GOD is mighty and will change it all.... if you let Him. It is your choice. Your free will. Why did you come here? What do you want the end to be? My life is much fuller than it would have been. There is loss but so much more gained. My God is gentle in His dealing. He disciplines but he loves. He has not dealt harshly with me. I am so thankful for that. And just when I think that He is done (what a thought, what am I 90?), he brings about something new. I will continue waiting. It is not the end. The story continues....