Increasing plunder to splendor.

Last night I had some interesting dreams. This morning I was thinking on one part in which I was reminded what it felt like to serve in missions, and realized in my dream, that God was restoring my heart for missions. As I drove my son to school, I thought about how I am preparing to homeschool. How I have been content in the home that we now live in, and I am not striving for a bigger, nicer house anymore. I have no desire to scan the real estate pages or drool over home plan magazines. And this house has many updates needed. I am content with just enough. It makes me laugh at the potential in my mind. A sustainable family. I have no desire to pack up and head for the mission field anytime soon but it reminds me that God's plans are in effect and working before we even make a choice for change. He is equipping us, and using everything. Before we make a choice, he is preparing the way. Whispering encouragements in our ears. Planting seeds in our hearts. I am overwhelmed with expectant anticipation at what life will look like ongoing. God has been doing good things. I cannot share them all yet. It will come.
Yesterday was a downer.... "attack of the killer angel;" the one who accuses and adds up all evil, all failure. I am glad to say that God can use all my failure for His good. Might I add that this morning my bible study was talking about extending yourself to the poor and hungry. The oppressed. Fitting as always. I have been asking God for new dreams. I am past all the ones I imagined. He is unfailing and is giving me new ones. I have outlived my plans. Haha. Now I want to live on His.

Letting it out.

I don't want to stand still.... I don't want to reach a point where I think that I am finally good enough. I don't want to reach the club status and stay there. The club where if you attain a certain standard, you are able to judge anyone who falls. The club, where there is an unspoken rule to never make a ripple in the waters. There is a guarded "niceness" that is not nice. Do not rebuke, do not preach a word that challenges someone to change, really. And most of all, do not exceed the norm. Do not attempt to change things for the next generation.... "We have always done things this way." Do not hear a word from God and speak it out..... "Who made you holier than though." Do not make a choice solely intended for God's purpose in your own life.... "You should get some training first."
I do not want to face condemnation, despair, discouragement, from other people who have been saved by grace and read the same bible that I do, when I have been inspired towards something, by God. I do not step lightly but in hope, with faith, and trusting that God will turn my heel if I am wrong. I wait on Him for a word, I weigh it, I wait for reassurance, confirmation. Please don't snuff out my light. Anyone's light. Rebuke if need be, but please, weigh your words with the truth. Ask why even. God does not have the same plans for all of us, except that they are plans for good and not harm. If you are causing harm, then you are stepping out of the plan..... Hm..... I will think on that one. A good reminder.
This is my vent.

Good intentions.

I have been having a not-so-great week. I have not done a bit of my homework. I have been busy but not getting all the jobs done. I have been feeling overwhelmed and sad. I have been discouraged by the acts of people. I want change. I don't want to be held back by people who don't want to change. I am not perfect. I am sometimes awful. But I will never stand still.
I woke up with this song running through my head..... I went to the enemies camp, and I, took back what he stole from me..... Fitting. I will take that. No one is above me or below me. We are all equal. We are all sinners. I choose to be the encourager. The puller. The uplifter. When I am feeling dragged down, I will pull back. I won't lay down and die as much as I feel like it sometimes. I will instead, lie down and wait on the LORD.
                                                                    Remind me to wait on the LORD.

An act of injustice, used justly by God.

I was given a gift yesterday. A mirror. It was humbling and saddened my heart to the point of anxiety. I was watching and wanted to cover my ears and scream. An action of mine, mirrored through another person. God nudging me to show me how horrible it is. It was an answered prayer. I have needed something strong to bring a change in the way that I think and act in a certain circumstance. That was it. What I needed. I am going to think on it and let it resonate in my heart and mind. It is not over, but I know that God doesn't leave a thing unfinished. I am so grateful, you see, I have been asking for this. When my own will could not change me. When I couldn't see or think a way out. I know that then God is faithful to weave a new way. That's why I love him. Unfailing. Seek and wait.

self explanatory

 KNOWLEDGE PUFFS UP,

BUT LOVE BUILDS UP. 

                                                   ~ 1 CORINTHIANS 8:1. 

I am not the boss.

Two nights ago, I was digging into my bible study and God reminded me of the scripture he had given me last year....PSALM 103~ Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the LORD,
O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and it's place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.
The LORD has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all.
Praise the LORD, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word. Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will. Praise the LORD, all his works everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.
A few different thoughts came out of this. Last year the part that stuck out to me the most was that God is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever.... But reading this the other night, the part that hit me, was that of God; who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems.... who crowns you with love and compassion.... My redeemer will heal me. I will not have a spirit of despair.
This last night while doing my bible study, I looked at this scripture again as I read Beth Moore's words about God's love and how unbelief is what gets in our way. About how God loves me. Of course I know this but it makes me squirm a bit. I want to put it some other way but there isn't one. I just don't like the word itself, so trite in the world. God is love, God loves me. If I do not believe it, then I am calling God a liar. And this is what I have been seeing recently; that God is my redeemer. There may be consequence to sin, but he forgives us so deeply and loves us so greatly that he renews us, even our diseases. He backtracks. He rebuilds us. Some consequences we can't take back, because we can't erase choices, but He redeems. I have to believe it. His word is truth.
The second thought came out of my prayers for my children. I have been waiting/hoping for a new mindset when it comes to dealing with my children and having patience. I was good at this to start, having an attitude of teaching/discipling them into knowing what is right. The more kids, and the more tired/in pain I have become, I have gotten away from that. Our society on a whole feeds into the mindset that kids are something that we all are entitled to, and that is not in line with God's truth; that children are a blessing. Therefore, kids are treated as an accessory; as something that is a stage of life and when they are grown, what a relief it is to see them go. I don't want that. I want a life where my children are treasured, where they always know they are loved and are confident that they have a voice. Where they still like to come home even when they have homes of their own, and where the teaching and nurturing doesn't end just because they can feed themselves.
A part of this Psalm reminded me of my love for my children. It made me think in a new way of how God loves me and how God loves them.... as far as the east is from the west.... I like to tell my eldest son that I love him big big big big big big loves. As I say this, I open my arms wider and wider until they are stretched out side to side. East to west. I had just been telling him at bedtime prayers, as I had hurt his feelings and had to apologize, that God loves him even more than I do. Could he imagine that. Mom loves as far as she can reach but God, He can reach further. He can love with unfailing love. He does. He is.

Our kids may be in our care, but God already has a purpose for them. They are already people in full, from before they were conceived (and there's another topic in my heart). I often think my kids are mine alone and consequentially, I might lose them in my sin or something. They aren't mine. I can rest in the fact that God has a plan and purpose for them from conception, he loves them more than I do (I can't possibly imagine/understand that love fully), and although I can train them up and influence them, I cannot lose them. They belong to God. I am not the boss. I want to encourage them. They have purpose even now. I love that. What a truth. They are a blessing. I have always known that but you know when you ask God to change something that you in yourself can't and He speaks to your spirit, it was like that. And so, God is answering more prayers. A year of rebuilding. I can see a little of what is to come, but the way in which it all comes together, is knit by God's purpose. I can rest in the fact that he knows what he is doing. He is building my faith.

prayer from my heart

GOD WHO KNOWS US, let us break free of the mold that our culture has put upon us. Continue working in us and through us so that our lives will not become bound up again. Let us put on a garment of praise when our spirits are heavy, for you are great and able to fullfill what you have promised. Your gifts and good, your love is unwavering. GOD OF THE AGES, we love love you.

A story in part.

Titus 2:3-5~ Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. They can train the much younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

I love my Grandma. I just talked to her for hours on the phone this morning. She did all of this in what she said. She has lived and she is wise. She has many stories and if you listen, you can hear her heart, you can hear about what has brought her brokeness in life, and you will hear that she will do anything to fight for her family the best she knows how. She is a keeper of things, but she is a giver. She doesn't want to miss a need. She wasn't raised lovingly, but she raised my cousins out of love, when her children were already grown. And the God who knows her, who she trusts in, loves her.

I have good memories of her house from when we were growing up. My cousin was one of my best friends. Some memories are wild, like of all the cousins taking little red tricycles and flying down the big hill beside her house until your legs flew off from the speed. Then we would dart into the farm road (and sometimes the farm fence) at the bottom of the hill, to avoid a busy road down a little ways further. We had a playhouse to play in that my Grandpa built, and trees to climb.
My Grandma, she taught us manners, fruits of the Spirit, table settings, proper speech, and how to color in little circles at the edge of a drawing- to stay in the lines. I remember her picking lice out of mine and my cousins hair, past bedtime, when it broke out in our schools, and it being fun. I remember her taking us for walks down the hill to pick raspberries, always teaching along the way. She is a woman who brought change to her lineage....

expecting fruit

I love that God gives gives us promises. He is not a liar. He will finish what He begins. I love that God whispers encouragements. This are no coincidences. I love that in retrospect we see that He was dropping us hints along the way. God is so good. He uses everything. For our good. For His glory.
I am keeping a journal this year. I will record what God has done. What God is doing. I am overwhelmed with excitement. This is no little girl's journal. It is full of life. Not just hope but hope fulfilled. God has begun a good work. It started way back. Last year was a year of stripping. This year is a year of change, of rebuilding. I plan to write it down. It will be a heritage for my children, lest we forget what the LORD has done. I am learning patience as I see the fruit ripening and the seasons changing. In the end it will be clear. The LORD that knows me is in charge and is bringing restoration. It is not all about balancing anymore. It is about letting go and leaning into Him. He hems me in before me and behind me. And He is good.

my heart is full for friends

PSALM 127:1-5

Unless the LORD builds the house, it's builders labor in vain.

Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand on guard in vain.

In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat- for he grants sleep to those he loves.

Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children are a reward from him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are son's born in one's youth.

Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.

They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

jumble

I feel like I am mourning at this very moment. Like I am watching someone slip away from life and I can't stop it. They are in fact living but not to the fullness of who they are..... who they could be. In our mom's study this morning Beth Moore talked about her husband's trials in life and what how he had wondered, "what he could have been." It made my soul hurt when I think of those same thoughts. For me. For some others I love. But that is the inbetween. What her husband is, what I can be, what they can be, through what we know and experience, is so much greater. Huge. I am then overwhelmed in a good way. I can gather all theses trials and in retrospect point someone to God. My healer, my redeemer, my counsellor. There is no longer despair but joy. Tears of joy from the inside. I am better now. I am returning to me I find, but aged. Aged towards perfection. I don't just know with my mind, but with my soul. Where I once wanted to just lay down and wait for the end, I want to strive beyond these things and be used of God through them. I have nothing of my dreams. Nothing. Well, maybe in a sense I have it all but it wasn't all dreamy. First it was extremely painful. No wedding. First baby dead. I have so much to offer now in this. I am not all words. I know truth. I know the only one who redeems. I've known Him forever, but he's known me longer. Prepared for me. Prepared for you.
I don't know what's going on right now but something is. I think that God is preparing something. I've been waiting for my good friend to have her third babe and as I was making a gift, I found myself mourning for my lost daughter. I am so sad for my baby girl at the moment. I see her little face and curly hair often in my mind. I have mourned MacCrea so fully as his birth/death was traumatic but my girl was not as devastating in body. My heart is hurting for her right now. I want to give Gemma a sister but I know it will not replace my Ariel or make it better. I had a dream of a little girl with big eyes like her daddy and dark curly hair and she was that. My Gemma is beautiful and fair. She is completely different and so much like her momma was when I was young. I hate when these patches of grief swell to the surface. I feel though that God is birthing something new in my family and it is not how it looked before. It may not ever be another child.
Something is stirring within me. I feel like expectancy has turned to waiting. I feel affected by things around me. I don't want to go back in. I am not turning back. I will remain faithful. I will choose Him back. I need to go pray. I hate the times when I feel so responsible. The thoughts of "if I could only do something" surface. There are those people in our lives that make us feel that way though. Like dragging them with you. It is sad to see someone with potential, someone that you love, giving up.
Ugh. This post is all over the place. It is about friends blinded, it is about waiting. It is about this week and this day. It is about feeling heavy over things that I cannot change. It is about knowing that GOD is mighty and will change it all.... if you let Him. It is your choice. Your free will. Why did you come here? What do you want the end to be? My life is much fuller than it would have been. There is loss but so much more gained. My God is gentle in His dealing. He disciplines but he loves. He has not dealt harshly with me. I am so thankful for that. And just when I think that He is done (what a thought, what am I 90?), he brings about something new. I will continue waiting. It is not the end. The story continues....