Frustrations.

This has been a long week. I am exhausted. It is too hot to cook dinner and my kids are running wild, screaming, while their dad tries to sleep. I am sitting here in the basement, trying to cool down before I make dinner. Unfortunately dinner is not an option with growing children. I have been a little down. Tiredness and reflecting on life can be disappointing sometimes. Being on opposite sides of faith with your husband, and pregnant and unable to do all you want to accomplish can make overlooked frustration come to the forefront. I am grateful that I can strive for all that encompasses a life lived for God, but this can also make a gap with us.... thoughts, friends, time, discipline, money.... everything. I am so in this time of grinding down this week. I feel oppressed in my own home sometimes. It is like anything good brings pressure. A war of sorts. I am so tired of this war. I want to continue in trusting God with my family (and I will) but I am tired. I hope God has a great plan.... that is silly, of course he does. I hope it has to do with a change of hearts around here, and soon. And I mean my heart too. Too much opposition brings walls. I just want to settle in with a house full of children and be in a peaceful and content place. To love and be loved. Excuse me while I go tend to something being sprayed all over the bathroom floor..... sigh.....

A pic is worth a thousand joys....

 

And my eldest son echoes something I have said.... "God has a plan for us...." ....:) 

Sunday

I am inspired, encouraged, on this great, slightly rainy day. It is hard to get up and think of driving into town every Sunday for church but it is so worth it. Inspired truth being taught outrightly, is relieving, and resounds with me. Sticks with me. I am writing it down as I don't want to forget what God is saying to me personally and continually. And today I am grateful again and also grateful that I was, at one point, beaten down so much that it seems the religion was beaten out of me until nothing was left but grace. It is when consequences force an unseen, but unfortunately chosen, humility upon you that you can't pretend perfection. You can't compare against others. You can, I can, only compare against the truth that is in God's word. There is no measuring up. But there is an abundance of grace. Ye-haw. *Smile. Today I am reminded of this. I was broken of my own doing and yet there was hope. I need to extend that grace and never forget. And never feel condemned either. I am not cast out. I am still here and still fighting.... and still growing. When I get caught up in the day, I feel discouraged, but when I look at how much God has done, I am reminded....
Oh, and I am super excited for my coming babe. Another boy. I am building an army. Haha. The thought of having three grown men in my midst someday brings me an abundance of joy, and I know that God is going to change our family in amazing ways. I can't believe (in a good way) that it is getting better and I am getting the desires of my heart- a large family.
So many thoughts.... so many at a heart level..... <3

Of six.

I am a mother of six. It is funny that before I was pregnant I always imagined myself with five kids and I wondered if it was because I really did have five, just two removed from me. That was it, because now I see myself with six. I had my five month ultrasound today and was blessed with a disk containing 39 photos of my babe. I dislike ultrasounds. I love when they are all done and everything is settled but I really can't bare to look at the technician for fear of misreading a look or facial expression. I am not liking that I have to wait a whole month now to see the doc, as my last appointment was yesterday. But this baby is kicking and moving so I shall not let myself worry. I love that he or she is breech because it is interesting how every babe has their own way and own little personality even in the womb. God has plans for this babe, even from the beginning. And this is the first time that we will find out the gender of our sweet babe. It is stressing me out a bit, haha, but only because I am making myself wait. Hopefully we will plan a great gathering to make it even more fun. Half way through a busy week and glad another task is out of the way.

Full up.

There is joy. And then, there is fullness of joy. Life is not grand. My laundry situation is still not working well. My husband doesn't understand me often. I am still impatient. I swear. But, there is a place where all of that starts to not matter again. A place where you know that your God has a good plan for your life. A place where you find that you have just stepped into the middle of one of those significant plans. This is probably going to be a marker year. I just had one of those for me, but I pray that I am right and that this is one for the whole family. I cannot believe what is going on, and that in a good way. I didn't know why there was this pause of growth. I have turned from frustration and digging, and I have found good soil. And some things are about to grow. I am full tonight. God let my heart bend to those plans.
I think I have just stopped climbing the path and am now putting down roots. This is a resting spot and not physically. Still work to come, but fullness of joy. I am so grateful my God. Mahal na mahal LORD.

What Families Need (in a church).

Families need:

A safe place to land. A place where there are rules and bible-based standards, and where parents know their kids are safe away from them, until they are picked up again. A place where kids feel cherished and are led by people who have compassion for them, people who know the value of the next generation. A place where there is understanding of what the bible alone says towards children and who believe it in word and actions.

A place to grow. Where all family members can use their individual gifts, whether a parent or not. There is a definite command to teach our children, but within the church we also have a calling. We need to be supported in those callings even now- not when our kids are grown. That may mean putting up with kids running around in the background. And, even kids have callings on their lives at young ages too. Let them grow together with us, and teach them.

A place where there is fellowship.Where there are people willing to host whole families for lunch or coffee dates. Where people are willing to bear with young children's noise in order to engage a conversation beyond small talk. A place where people play together, as well as pray together, and therefore have the opportunity to speak into each others lives. When there is space for the kids to be kids, we will leave with hearts filled.

A place of truth. A place where biblical principles are sought out and there is continual thirst for change at every age from birth to death. A place where there is a humble understanding that no one has ever "arrived" at perfection, and where people are able to teach each other in stages of understanding and life. Kids are not the only ones who need to be taught. Father's need mentoring. Mother's need encouragement.

A place where we are welcome. There will be no teaching if there is no babysitter.... or will there be? We need Home Groups. We need bible study and fellowship in a place where there is a bed to put the baby down and a place for kids to play together. A place where shift work and multiple children defy all odds and we can hear the word of God during the week. I am teasing here, but really, we want to be part of the whole and not just segregated into our generational or gender groups. All of us can add a little, remind someone of youth, teach someone from wisdom, extol another with words of encouragement, be shown an untarnished side of a child's thinking, be rebuked in love to a place of repentance at a wrong thinking, or draw someone into a first understanding of grace.

Overall, we need to be invited. We need to feel welcomed. We don't want to impose our children upon anyone, especially when there are stares at the child chattering that they see grandma, auntie or a friend across the room, or people randomly commenting that kids sat through church in silence way back when. We don't want to sit alone cutting up food and wiping dirty chins at church potlucks. We don't want to be told that back in the day the moms took care of Sunday School or the dads were harsher at disciplining. And I assure you, our kids are still being disciplined but we might see that differently one to the next. We don't want to be excluded from all meetings and input and ministries because right now it is seen as our job alone to raise kids. We want to hear what God thinks about children in the heart attitudes of people surrounding us. We want you to know that most of us don't show up for ours or our kids salvation at church, but to be encouraged and to have fellowship with other believers. We don't want to be left behind as everyone rushes off to restaurants, when we know to follow means a large bill and the stress of shushing kids for at least another hour. We also want you to know that we are growing and able to be part of the body- if we have babies, we are no longer babies and are ready to be ushered in to ministries and  leadership of the church. If we are not invited, who will be trained? If our kids are not invited, who will be taught up next? If people fail to see the importance of teaching up the next generation, and the next, and the next, the church will die out with them. If people continue to regard themselves as done, having put in their time, and having their own lives to live; they will live their own lives indeed, but will not share in anyone else's. There is unity in understanding each other, young or old. We do not deem to be more important. We just want you to remember us and not overlook what we also need to thrive. We want you to remember your youth and your beginnings. Who mentored you? Who spoke into your life at a young age? How old were you when you began to lead? To teach? To lead worship? To Pastor? What did you need when you had a young family? We are part of you all, not separate. Please don't forget any longer. 

Farming children ;)

Sunday has become a joy again. I do think of winter to come though. I have had hopeful thoughts that all this traveling to town for Sunday Service will work out easy enough. Yesterday I realized that this is a time of cultivating. Cultivating is hard work, but it is important. It is work that makes strong, both the worker and what is being grown. It is so worth it.

Two thoughts.

This time of weighing has led into a time of reflecting. The weighing is done and we have stepped. I have now been able to let go and look a little retrospectively, as is helpful and brings joy in where God has been making the path clear, whether curvy, mountainous, straight, or whatever. This one was a definite curve but I am seeing where God has been teaching, preparing, and leading- one season leading into the next. If I can take a quiet moment, today this being as kids slept through the rainstorm on the drive home, I can start to see a bigger picture. The truths learned far in advance, are being played out here. Blessings are coming. This reflective thinking allows me to now see beyond the physical, to the enveloping spiritual. God hems me in behind and before. It looks like continuous seasons this way in my mind's eye and begins to cease to look like closures and separations. In this picture there is growth, and pruning, and dormancy, and then regrowth. God's hand is and has always been in it all.


My thoughts this week, which were brought up again today in part, are along the lines of this.... Too often we pray, "God hear our cry. Please work out 'this thing' in our lives. We believe You can do this thing."  And we even add something to the effect that if it is your will in there. But the reality is that "this thing" is equal to "our will." This adding on of "if it's your will" has often bothered me a bit and I am seeing a clearer picture of why. We need to be praying, "God we are crying out, work out Your will in our lives. What is Your will for this?" Seems simple. But are we willing to wait? Our thoughts and desires get in the way, until we can no longer stand. At that point when we have struggled enough in our own ideas, the prayer of letting go and letting God comes in, and in that, there comes great joy. When we stop to hear and see what God has in store, the benefits and blessings are grand. His will for us is always better and beyond what we can imagine in this physical place where we are at. So how are we to get to that state where we let go and can wait on God? Well, I heard a good sermon on that today.... (maybe I can find it, or I will leave that for another conversation....)  

So what do I do now? Disconnecting....

I am overwhelmed with thoughts. We know we have made a good decision. I knew it right away when I looked around and all the things that frustrated me to no end were nowhere to be seen, and where things I hadn't thought about fully came to mind regarding what we need as a family. Anyways.... I have been getting phone calls, having tea, and having chats, all over the place. People have wanted to let me know that they support my decision and that is encouraging, although I was not looking for anyone's approval or thoughts except God's. This decision was between me, my family, and Him. However, there is a resounding agreement about places where things are broken or lacking. There is a desperate need for change and a stuckness of not knowing where or what to do. Here I don't know what to do, not in the what, but in the what to say. I need to disconnect but I also love these people that I am leaving, and still hope for change. I think there needs to be a collective conversation about the state of things, an inventory of spiritual things. I want to stay very vague but I have heard from the mouths of many people, the same discontent about certain things. I don't believe in just talking and not coming up with a plan or at least letting someone know. So, now what do I do? I would hope that someone else would do it but will they? I have heard alot of "no one wants to hear" or "no one wants to listen." If that is the case then why is there an outcry for the same changes to come about. Maybe some hearts aren't being heard or maybe people are just stuck. Maybe there is too much shushing for the sake of peacefulness, but it is only leading to anger and bitterness, with the same outcomes. What would really happen if people said no to being pushed in all directions and started to fully embrace the ministries that they have been called to? There would be gaps for sure. There would also be forced change. What happens when people are desperate.... they start to do what they should have been doing in the first place; they pray. Or the impostors are flushed out. The fakes. The ones that will remain standing will be the ones who are true in their faith. And when there is a collective truth being sought, there there will be change. I really want to have a conversation. I don't know. I may just need to disconnect and let it be. I have been trying for a long time now it seems. Okay, now I will pray....

New friends.

We wanted fellowship and fellowship is what we got. I am relieved. The kids have come to bible study with me for two weeks and have come home filled with fun, and we have gone to church in town and have come back knowing more people and more of God's word. We have also had three playdates with friends that we want to build relationships with, just in the last week, and this week there are more to come. To top off all this greatness was a church BBQ in which the kids played in the lake, learned a little football and frisbee, and were treated with love. It is always bittersweet to make a change that requires leaving people behind but sometimes it is essential. I can finally let this one part of life go and rest a little. I know there will be challenges ahead but for this summer we are set I think.  

anticipation

I have ambition lately. It has been hard for awhile and finally there is some hope on the horizon. We are all anticipating the next day or week. Sometimes I just want to up and move. I like new starts. I like the forced change that comes and the newness of everything. But I also want the stability that comes with staying in one home and building relationships long term. I want a permanent spot for my kids. I want a home to grow in every aspect. I am thankful God is in the business of renewing, rebuilding, restoring, redeeming.... I am glad that he has a plan, even when we can't see around corners. This is definitely a season of change- I look around and see it in many friends lives too, not just ours. And the fun part is that it is not what any of us expect- it is even better, because God is in it.

Random thoughts from a not so random thought trail.

Learning the bible is extremely important. And not just learning it, but studying it and knowing it in and out from cultural time, to translation, etc. I was a strong and mature christian since I was young. (I did experience a rather hard time for awhile too, not to leave that out.) But, up until the last few years, I have never seen bible study like I do now. I have never been taught just absorbing all that you can find from one passage. A Beth Moore study was the first time I saw this and I will never see any the same again. It is really a shame. I have seen more since then but this is my point, that I want this for myself. Before it was all inspiration and movements and opinions. I don't ever want to be in a place where I can't judge for myself if what is being said is what is coming straight from the word of God, or from men. Kari Jobe said it best one time, and I think I have that sermon along here somewhere, that we should want first fruit from God and not already-been-chewed. I love these kind of thoughts. It's me and God. I don't want to follow any fad or be stuck with the A-B-C. I want to know that I know and why, and then ask the question, "What am I going to do about it?" I am so glad to be at the stage where I can speak out if I disagree and can choose what I think is right according to God's word. Amen to that. Oh, and live in unity whether we disagree or not. I am not out to take sides here and there and battle it out to the death. Haha. There should though be conversations happening, not just eyes staring forward taking in everything like robots. Weighing is important.  Some of it isn't beneficial but is permissible, but some of it is downright wrong. Do I know enough to know the difference? Do you? Some weeks are like this one, where it is time to take an inventory.

 To study and explore:
http://www.blueletterbible.org/
 To find Beth Moore and more:
http://www.lifeway.com/ 

day two of stepping

Today felt like step two. Step one was making the decision and testing the waters for the last two weeks. Today I talked to my mother and sent a note to a loved mentor/teacher at the church that we will now step away from. This step takes us into a new place. It feels like a good place. There is a sense of betterment for my family. I will still be testing these waters in a way, but in them, not at the edge peering in. Last night I was thinking about the community that we are leaving and a thought summed it up for me.... It is like someone is not living quite right but you keep making excuses for them because you love them. I feel this about the church. There are changes that need to happen and an opening of eyes towards why the families are all leaving. Maybe no one can fix this and that is fine. God can fix it if people are willing. I will leave it at that. I don't want to say bad words about it all but I do know that I will go where there is more of what I want for my kids. Garry is good with it (although he says that church is my thing, but it is still important to me to talk about it with him), and the kids are happy to see their friends again, since many are over here at this place. I actually can't wait until Sunday to see what the kids think. Only Gemma and I have gone before for a friend's dedication, so for the boys it will be all new. It is interesting that it is at Aiden's age where my family (when I was young) made a move to a new church and it made all the difference in my life.  

craft time

I think it's time to finish up some crafting projects, or start some more, and read lots of books. I wish I could throw the tv out the window for the summer. Hmmm.... maybe I can, I am the mom. If I do that, I should unplug my phone too, maybe facebook. But not here. Here is creative. I need to catch up some quilting and scapbooking for Keiran. It was supposed to happen last summer. It has to happen before I have another busy babe.

Great weaving.

My heart feels blessed tonight. Nothing special, just fellowship. Just people who get where you are at and why you do what you do. There was no scolding or shaming of children. They were free to duck in and out and run. There were jokes about homeschooling. This whole day has been so good for my family. There has been a noticed change of attitude across the board, of happy hearts. We are up late but there is still a little patience left, even though all the work isn't done. My eldest son chose three times over to think of others before himself just when we got home. He gave up a treasured toy to his brother even. My kids have joy exuding from them tonight. They are happily recalling the nights events. Even they can feel what has been missed. Of course. They are spiritual human beings built for relationship too. I am lightly stepping into this change but it is just plainly needed now, however out of my plans it is. I need to take an account of what we need and what is truly going on in our lives. I can't see around corners but a relief has been found. Yey.

The feel of change.

I am feeling a little bit better about life today. I finished our last homeschool summary and am going to loosen up on the last remaining English work. I also had a nice chat with a friend after two weeks of analyzing with my best of friends. I am ready to step. You can't think about all the what ifs, well you can but you can't change 'em. So, I am looking at the now and for now I will join our friends and choose to fellowship where it will bring more life to relationships, and hopefully our family as well. It is hard to change what you know unless there is a willingness and a move of the Holy Spirit. I for one get mad when I am struggling. I want to choose more, or better, so that there is room for those kind of moves. I feel less mad today because I feel less stuck. I have choice and I have prayer. Both can change things. The end. See ya soon. 

Sunshine

It is May and it is summer. The warm weather is restorative. It is nice to slow down and get outside. I love that the kids can run. I love that I can soak up some vitamins. It makes me want to take long drives and go swimming in lakes. Well, maybe not swimming yet since some of those lakes just melted.
We are finishing up our last subject in homeschool today (other than English which will be another month since we are doing a second program that I would like to get done by summer). I am feeling a little bit better and in a few weeks will start feeling this babe kicking. Life is pretty good. I am trying not to stress over things that are changing. The pressure just means the rough edges are being ground off, right. (*Wink.) They need to be lately. I am excited for the summer change. I so need a break to just sit around and grow this babe. And read. There will be reading.

la dee da

This is a hard decision. And I am making it alone. That is even harder. But, my kids were alone in Kids Church yesterday. That is not fellowship.

oh analytical brain

Pondering more. Analyzing more. Comparing and weighing. It is important. The church is a place that we have fellowship and are encouraged. It is where we sharpen our belief systems and are influenced. Home is first for this of course, we cannot rely on the church to train up our children. But it is big.
I do not know what this year will bring. I do not know if we will be in this same house or same town. I do not know if there will be a huge change in the church here. I also do not know if there will be an offshoot planting of the church that is forming here but resides in the city.
What I do know is that things are not working. I know that this other church is where my kindred spirit friends reside (we have been watching Anne of Green Gables, haha). It just happens that all the moms are homeschool moms, not that I don't have close friends that don't homeschool, but again these people are like-minded. They believe in family. They believe in being involved, with your giftings, in the church. Of  being a part. This place is where scripture is taught and God speaks. These are people with voices. I have only had two experiences at this church so far so we will see, but I am thinking I need to move. For now it would be easy to travel for the summer some. I don't know. Maybe there will be better options later on, but for now I just need better. I am no longer pushing for change, I am standing alone to the point of being left there. I will talk to the kids and talk to God some more. I think this is the point where I step. This is not the end of the conversation though.

ramblings

I feel like working some things out in my head. I have not late night posted since the great depression. Haha. That was a joke, if you didn't catch that. I just came from bible study. A new one with friends that are not so new. It was good. Teaching straight from the book with hebrew and cross referencing and all things I deem lovely. I want to know the word of God and truly study it. I want to then ponder what God is saying about it to me for right now. There was talk of hardening of hearts, and sowing. I said there would be sowing this afternoon.
I have lots of thoughts tonight. I want to fellowship with friends and family where I am at. Part of this new is where I am at. Looking parallel I see lacking of so much. If I had my choice in a city or elsewhere I would be gone. But I still live here. I will not sow where there is staleness. I try to bring something to the table but it is a strange table. Why do I think so differently. Yet, I don't think that my thoughts are way out there.
Anyways, I am not sure what to think about this all yet. I wish I had a different choice. But I am seeing a little clearer. It is too early to tell. I just know that I will not settle, I have never followed because it is the status quo. This is an essential time to instill truth to my kids and that is not happening the way I see is good. A little, but not quite. It is also essential that I am not beat to the ground so that I am drained of all encouragement, and that I am built up in a way that is helpful. And that I am not forced to be something that is out of my gifting. We all are parts- none greater right?Why are we looked at as though we are less than and little. I am not at all. My kids are not either. ......