blank stares

I just want to sleep now. I just want to stay home and hibernate and have peace for a week. But I can't. My kids get cabin fever. Then they make me the opposite of what I want to be. I just want to stand in a hot shower and cry or stare at the wall until the water runs cold. Or drive..... I hate that I get days of ambition, just to wear myself out and be reminded that I am sick. I hate that it isn't my choice. Life is about choice so why do I get stuck with this. I am looking inward and I know that it goes farther than my tragedy. This blog is becoming more than that. It is my thoughts of life and faith as well as tragedy. I know that I have had an anxiety disorder before and even before. My miscarriage just pushed me over the edge. I will still be thankful that out of sufferings comes good. I am thankful for the thoughts of my friends and I am glad to encourage and be encouraged. But I am mad that I didn't have a choice. I know there is more to come....more to be excited for. But I still remember asking God to not let me want to come home. I still have to search the bad places that I chose so that I felt like I deserved my pain. I still have bad days is what I am trying to say. when you're sick you don't just get better. Sickness has to run it's course....