Tomorrow my baby turns one. He is my third. My second boy. I so want a fourth babe. I am not ready for this to be the end. I struggle over the decision every day. I am so exhausted and think I almost lost it after Keiran and I have pretty horrible pregnancies (not as bad as some but not any fun). I don't want to be an impatient exhausted mom. It isn't fair to my kids.
The next problem is birth control. I cannot take birth control pills because they make me sick...I might as well be pregnant. But not just that. I am against them. I get it., I have taken them but I have rethought my stance on birth control. For one, I believe that they are the thing that caused my miscarriages....the gynecologist even mentioned it so casually. That they would make my uterus thin and hard for a baby to grow. And it is no coincidence that I miscarried after taking birth control before both of my lost babies. The other kids I had not taken it with and they were fine. It was like the miscarriages reset my body. Next, I was hoping to get an IUD. I would love to have five years, or just three, with no worry about getting pregnant. My doctor told me I could still get pregnant but the contraceptive would make it unable for the baby to implant. Pardon me. Are we retarded. This upsets me. And I would never want to mock God. "God, let me not lose my baby....let it grow healthy and strong"......then when I don't feel like having a baby for a time, I'll throw the rest away. The thought makes me sick. The doctors look down on me when I tell them my method of birth control that is not so controlling but so be it. I would rather conceive than be so deceived about the value of life.
In this lies my dilemma. I am scared that I will get too sick, in all ways, if I have another. I ponder fulfilling my dream of a big family. I pray that I will get better soon enough to decide.
I really do believe you will get there. It's just this feeling I've had for nearly as long as I've known you - that you would have four. I can't explain it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm glad that there is someone else out there who believes the same thing I do about birth control. Scary stuff, really.
You have been instrumental in deepening my thoughts of contraceptives. It has been great when we have had talks about children and such:) I wish I was strong enough to "be fruitful and multiply". My belief really is that children are a blessing but I am too tired and in a culture where I can only handle maybe four! I wanted way more than that growing up;) I can't wait to see you develop your family into six kids:)
ReplyDeleteHey, I thought I only wanted 3......then I was blessed with 4. I can't imagine a life with out them, all 4 of the little hot-blooded girls I have!
ReplyDeleteI am so impressed to read your thoughts and comments about birth control. There was a time when I was naive about the effects and truth about them all....But now, all of what I have learned in the years I have studied, there isn't a perfect one out there for those who believe that life begins when sperm and egg meet:)
It makes me so angry that doctors don't really give full informed choice. They tell you a little bit about it, but not the whole story.
Most of them say that you can't get pregnant on the pill (or IUD) or others, but thats because they changed the definition of pregnancy from conception to implantation.....that's crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, any doc can look you in the face and say that you 100% won't get pregnant with an IUD (the newer ones).
I now have my tubes tied, but as I was looking into alternative permanent birth control, I saw 2 different OBGYN's in canada, and they both tried the same thing- talking me into an IUD and doing me a favor. I said, "no thanks". they thought that I was crazy to get my tubes tied and to let Jason off the hook of a vasectomy, but that isn't without many risks, either.
Anyhow, just though I would comment!
I also wish that i was brave enough to be fruitful and multiply.....not for this life...I too have very little patience and energy. I don't want to be one of those moms either....but I am afraid I am some days.
I lay down in my bed at night only to feel bad for the way I treated my kids (and husband) and realize that I have to ask forgiveness again!