Born ruined

That title was from a song I was listening to this morning. This day has been like three months. I am exhausted. I forced myself to go out tonight. I had a long week. A bad week. My kids have been sick. Oh yeah, you already know. I went to my counselling appointment today. After months of not (because of holidays and then bad weather). I cried on the way in out of frustration, and relief, and quiet.
When I got home my sweet boy cleaned up all by himself. Willingly. I declared how proud of him I was. I praised him and told him that it made my heart so happy that he did that. He said, "mom, I know, God told me that." I believe him. I know God. I have had a bad week.
This statement, so pure, brings tears to my eyes. If I only had one good moment, I would relish it to be this, that my children would know their God. That they would know that HE IS loving. That they would know that when you are low, HE sends relief in ways that blindside you as much as your pain. That when he seems silent, he is only waiting for you to give up your fight and let HIM work. He won't move until you choose him.
The second thing that I am pondering is this. Why do we keep all things painful to ourselves. Not only the subjects that shame us, but also the ones that we could do nothing about or are unfortunate in nature. Why do we "not bother anyone", and "don't gossip about that", and "keep out of theirs and our business". Seriously. I don't get it all. I find it that I am more comfortable with the friends that will tell me truths. The blunt ones...I think that I have mentioned this before. I find compassion in details. Don't you. I don't mean right out talking about everything to everyone. I have a group of bests that I feel like I can share anything with, and that I wouldn't mind them talking about my issues too if it is encouraging and normalizing someone else's reality. I don't think that is gossiping. Is it? I am confused on the whole subject and need to find my truth in that one.
I had been rolling around my thoughts about a certain friend out loud to a best, because I knew that she would keep it private and help me come to a conclusion. It did help me conclude and understand why she may have done things the way that she did. Then this friend told me more about her problems, not only, but about her pain. Heart talk. When the kids get busy playing on their own you can hear it. It changed my thinking about the whole situation. I had already rationalized compassion but this made it real. Maybe that was the God part. I had given it up and I was ready to hear the truth. The ugly cry truth. It shouldn't take ten...twenty years and a therapist to get the ugly cry out. Just spit it out. Empty. Look at your friend that didn't leave at the sight of you. And be there for her turn.