Crushing.

Please pray for me. Now please. I feel nauseous with anxiety. The morning is barely gone. All week was bad more than good. I can't find peace today. I feel overwhelmed.
I feel like giving up. Like burrowing in this deep hole instead of getting up. My limbs are so tired and I can't stand. I am feeling everything in dramatic echoes. I can't handle Gemma being sick. I can't handle my body being unhealed still from too many pregnancies. I can't handle not being the one who can overcome these things and be healthier. I want to figure out all sickness and fix it. But I can't.
Supposedly it all has to do with sleep. For me. More sleep equals happier and healthier. Can it be just that. A teething baby can drive one to insanity. Maybe. My counsellor has dropped me to once a month. Great. That was helping. That was giving me an escape. That was letting me drive away in silence. She was helping me to rationalize and normalize my thoughts. It seems if I don't make an appointment out of it, I don't get a break.
My husband suggested that I could do what I love and craft away (to make some money and get a break). I wonder if that would be a break......either way, I need to make some creative appointments for myself. I will write it on the calendar.
Reality is blurring again. My filter is messed up. I can`t handle unwell children. It makes me feel like I don`t want to be a mom anymore. Like I can`t be responsible for my sick babies. Please someone take over and make the decisions for me so I don`t mess up. So I don`t have to watch my innocent babes struggle through life. The feeling turning in my stomach is reminiscent of when you are young and you do something terribly wrong. Except I didn`t do anything wrong. I am fighting for all good. It is unfortunate. My greatest hope has been motherhood.
So, I am sick right now. Because my babe is sick. Relapsed into darkness. I am sure when everything settles I will find my hope again.