eyewrinkles and eyelash kisses

I feel the need to clarify. I have skirted around some issues because they are private in type. I hate when things are untrue, as you all know, and are misunderstood. So here it is. The untold story.
My husband, back in the day, did not choose me. I chose him. I had given up and had said Lord I just want a boyfriend. Nothing else. Nothing serious. Nothing in the realm of I can see myself marrying you. Just a companion. I was so done.
When I was twenty my world fell. I have never ever walked away from God but I have felt the coldness of the church. I think it was for a purpose. I found Garry when I was 21. I have wanted to look back on my journal for awhile now and share something that I wrote when I was twenty. I wanted to look and see where I was since I am in the midst of treading new grounds.

A journal entry of mine from September 24th, 1999....I pray God would challenge me to grow in depth of character. I long to be fruitful in him. To strive for truth and purity. To be joyfully passionate to reach out in everything. I feel like Proverbs 14:13 often. Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief. I want that aching to be not of me, but for the lost and broken. I desire to be a person who is broken and compassionate in humility......

I am amazed as I look back amazed at I look back at some of these pages. At what I have become. My eyes are open. Of course. I always say that I don't believe in coincidence.

July 23rd, 2000 (just because I like this one).....LIFE IS NOT MADE UP OF PERFECTION, IT'S MADE UP OF CHOICES. OF GIVING INTO HOPES OR FEARS. TEARS CAN BE GOOD OR SORROWFUL- ONLY YOUR HEART WILL BE ABLE TO TELL YOU. Only God knows your heart........

September 4th, 2000.....I am in a place. Here my eyes shift around the room. My eyes reflect my thoughts. My thoughts reflect my heart. I search this room for a door. A door that will open to a concrete road. There is no such road. For concrete is made by man. God has made a road of clay. A clay road which can be molded. To deepen character. To deepen trust. This road screams out. Life. Choices. Dreams. Desires. Tears. Joy unspoken. Gritted teeth. Shining eyes. Overwhelming revelations. Fears pushed aside. Heart struggles. Cries out loud. Silently surrendering. Growing. Planting. Shoveling dirt. Picking out rocks. Rejoicing in the journey. Looking back with peace. My road is only beginning. Which door will I choose. In this place. A path on which to fix my eyes upon. Soft clay......

How's that for a nineteen year old's inner thoughts.

December 16th, 2000 (my twentieth birthday would be December 22nd, 2000).....I sit here holding back the tears. Longing to die. Counting one more loss, yet hoping for a miracle before my sick heart falls under the water. Oh, if only I could breathe in the depths to save me from this fucking harsh sorrow. It is unending. If only my fears wouldn't come to life so often. If only a hope would be fulfilled.............I want to be free. Free from fear. Free from disappointment. I want to be joyful again. I want to be embraced when tears fall. I want my forehead and eyelashes to be kissed every night by a man who loves me. I want to be known as a woman of God. I want to once say how I really feel. I want it to be okay that I'm upset, mad, frustrated. I want to be listened to. I want to be favored in the eyes of God and men. I want God to bring me home..........I wish I could scream it out. All of it. From the childhood beginning. God I want to come home. God. My God I pray that I won't want to die......

I was really sick. At the depths of despair. Sitting in the bathtub for hours, wishing I could plunge to heaven.
That year I disconnected. I was clawing my way out but I kept sliding down. I was drawn to a place that I now see I needed to go. I couldn't find a friend in the church. Not one. Only a few friends (some Christian and some not) that begged me to come out to the bar. I was terrified of going but could no longer be alone thinking awful thoughts. I have never in the past found myself without close friends. Wherever I have gone I have had three immediate bests. All being purposeful in my life. I found myself drunk one night and after just a couple of drinks because I am small and have never drank in my life. It was great to go out and escape, dancing with my girl friends from work. We got off late and there was nothing else to do anyways that late at night. It became a habit. Anyways, I was drunk and went to an after party with one friend. Her boyfriend's best friend and I kissed, and he pushed for more. I was use to church boys who would listen when you said no. He didn't. But I didn't leave. It wasn't scary. I didn't care anymore after that. The weeks following I had found it soothing to let go. To not be perfect. I called it earning my pain.
Years back I had no choice. When I was six. It is hard to live a pure life knowing that you were never pure. That you had no choice. It was unfair. The situations mirrored each other. I see it clearer now. I had been young and the boy young, when I was six. It wasn't scary. Not a person of power hovering over me. I see now that he was probably a boy who was harmed and brought it to my house. It is so unfair to be so young and for things to be taken from you. I always felt guilty. I have always struggled with knowing things a child shouldn't know. It happened for awhile. I said no and he threatened to tell but then it stopped. I still know this boy. He is as broken as I am I think.
Anyways, my point is not to tell you disturbing things but to set some people straight and bring truth to the surface. Garry was my good decision. He did not ever push me. Not ever take advantage of me. He was just good. He was there. I was done with thinking about marriage and I had asked God for a man. Written a list of things that I wanted him to be. It was Garry. In description of look, and character, and lifestyle. I saw it after and had no doubt he was my husband. But at first he was just, only, my boyfriend. God meets you where you are at.

July 9th, 2003.......Bring on the boat scene. My eyelashes and forehead are content. The eyewrinkles are there. Here is a man who suits me. I can finally sleep........

April 10th, 2004........I only need a ring of promise. No people. Not pretty. Him and I. And God. I am not worried in this moment. Only hopeful. Waiting. It's all I can do. I don't doubt I am here for purpose. Who am I to guess what God will do. Or has done. In my fault. A man. A man not knowing has helped me find peace in God. He is home and I can rest. To step and know there is a resting place. I pray he will know the restorer.........

I am smiling. Remembering that God brought me out. I am now fitting the puzzle pieces but God has already made the puzzle. Thank GOD! There is some truth for you.



---> For those of you who don't know the rest of the story, by choosing him I mean, moving in with him rather quickly, choosing to committ instead of just "run around" with him, and choosing to marry a person who doesn't share my faith.