The fear of untruth.

I hope I am me. Always me. That I push out the parts that I believe and don't yield to the fear. I have always been strong inside but I can be passive sometimes. If I do move, at times, it comes out all wrong. Aggressive. I have been loud lately. Talking alot. I didn't start talking until after I left home. Actually, even after that. Maybe when I became a mom. I am feeling more free and am trying (key word) not to let fear run my life. Although it sadly does. If I took away fear I would have more children, I would go on more trips, I would have more dinner parties, I would leave the house without coming home exhausted. Fear is so encompassing. I feel like I am sixty years old just thinking about it. Maybe eighty even, keeled over, cold. I just want to sleep when I am fighting it. My children won't let me. I am impatient. Why am I so angry.......my husband even asks me this lately. This is where I am right now. In the middle of my fight. Fighting on that plateau- with myself. What a sight. I must look insane. So again, why am I angry. I have many reasons that are sufficient. Not being allowed to feel. Not being protected. Not fought for. Not feeling loved. Having to hold things that were older than my child-self. Being betrayed. Then alone. Then treated lightly. Then losing children. Then forced to sit in fear, nursing one baby, while pregnant with another. Then thrown back to where I never wanted to be. Then mocked by reality. Then left with nothing to soothe my pain but my God. He pulled me out. He is healing me. He has to or I would die. He turned everything. I am still fighting but sometimes he gives me a boost up the mountain or catches me by my pant leg. This post exhausts me and I am in tears....it was inspired by the feelings that welled up as I read a new friends post. I have too much to do today to sit hear balling my eyes out but now it is getting worse. I hate when feelings just come and you wonder where they are coming from. And you can't stop them. I am letting them run. I need to find the root of this anger. This fear. I need it to stop. I can't breathe. I am tripping. I am only human. But truth is truth and God is God.