Gathering bits.

God is gathering the bits together for me, for this year. I have been preparing for a huge change. It has begun early, or just in time, as I was thinking that I need it sooner than I had to wait. I had a dream awhile ago (I had talked about this already a bit). This dream was about anger and being in rage to be heard. Yikes, those words coming out, are coming straight from a hurt that runs deep. Last night, I sat beside my son's bed, almost in darkness except a faint night light, my presence letting him know he was fine and could sleep. I sat there an hour and started to think of when I was young and how scared I was to sleep. How I turned off the light with anything that could reach the switch from my bed. I often just slept with the light on in that basement room. I had been talking about this while ago and my mother was there. She had voiced that this fact was horrible, or something along the lines of that. It makes me wonder, and I do probably know, why I never said anything. Then my mind wandered to a parallel situation, when I got my first apartment. It was on the basement floor. Hmm, that is even more parallel. I used to sit in the window of this terrible place. I would sit and smoke a cigar as the smell of the tobacco was soothing (a habit that I picked up in Ywam, and is a whole other story). A man used to watch me from up in an apartment building across the road. It was a bad place to live. I had just thought it would be great to have my own place and for cheap rent. I worked afternoons and came home late and would get my keys ready so I could run to the door. Once two guys were fighting in the hallway and I could hear them yelling about being friends in prison. People in this place would party all night. I slept with the light on. The RCMP came one morning and buzzed my apartment to let them in and I did. I could hear them banging on a door across the hall and no one answered, even though they said they knew he was there. Finally the cops left and the man did come out then, screaming about who had let them in. Fearful place. Lights on.
This is the place where my downfall began. The apartment. Or so I thought. But when I look a little further, I think, "I didn't have a chance." Fear was bred in me.
But now this will change. God has been bringing up things to my mind in preparation for this year. I am coming with expectancy and I will not leave without a blessing. I might even dare to say that it will change everything. I pray that it will change everything and more.