Still human.

I am really struggling with this whole broken body thing. My insides are screaming. They hurt so bad right now. Actually, I think part is the body pain and part is the mind pain. I wish I could overcome this problem. I still have hope that I will but right now I feel downhearted. This last week has been hard. I pushed on in my physio and had so much hope but I am feeling torn down. My body aches so bad. I wake up feeling nauseous in the night. I just want to crawl back into bed as we speak and stay there until the pain goes away. I don`t know whether or not to carry on or wait. I want to go to the doctor and make sure everything is all right but they never know. They send me around. I leave feeling it is all up to me again. I feel like I have to decipher if it is fear or pain sending me in before I ever go.... this can last awhile, the trying to discern what it true and what people will think and if I can handle another doctor`s appointment. I hate doctor`s appointments.
I don`t know how I can be doing so good and doing so bad at the same time, but I think it has something to do with a healthier soul, frail body. I also have a thought that my body being torn and bruised in the places that hold in my babes, is a direct result of losing two of them, and of baring the stress of waiting, wondering if the next will make it to birth. No one else has broken baby parts. I think mine are a reflection of what has happened. Then I miss MacCrea, and think of Ariel`s dark curls framing her face. That will always be there. And I long for Heaven. And I long for more purpose driven life on earth....