cloudy dreams

I had an awesome day yesterday so it was bound to be a crappy, cloudy day today of course. The day isn't even half over. Why can't I just have a streak of good days. I feel like crying. I feel like someone is in town that I don't want to see. I want to go seek out if I'm right. Bring out this horrible feeling....
It all started with a dream. I am a dreamer. I have different kinds of dreams- the kind that have meaning, the kind that are processing, and the kind that are random parts of my day all mixed together. I love to dream. I find it fascinating. This morning I woke up to a not so good one. One of a disturbing nature. These kind mess with my head. Two old boyfriends were in this dream. No Garry. I was in a weird space. With one for a few minutes and then the dream changed and I was provoking the other one. And I was in trouble. Doesn't matter what the weird dream was about. It was the rollercoaster of emotion and then waking up to confusion. Where am I and who is my husband. I am partly joking but I hate these dreams that play with my emotions. I used to have a dream about a different old boyfriend and know he was in town or on his way. Why is it that I always knew. A connection in spirit....a pre-warning from God...I dunno. Anyways, it is frustrating. It makes me want to start a fight. To draw out emotions long past dealt with or that need to not be dealt with cause it is too late. I hate the too late part of it. I wish you could go back and say...I know you are married and we are in different stages of life but there is this one thing that I am dealing with and need to know the truth about, and/or apologize for in part, if you could just rewind for a second.....It doesn't work though and is dangerous. I tried it once. The outcome was bad....
I cried it out in the shower and now I am trudging through the day. Many things are bothering me. I am seeking to make some new dreams for myself though. I have been pondering this for awhile. A house on a piece of land....with enough room to add a few more houses when my kids are older. Maybe they'll stay close to home. Maybe I'll get a huge family.
Ugh. I just had a flashback to a dream I had awhile ago....an apology...hmmm...what a weird day. I am stuck in dreamland.....I have to be honest that I don't mind......I'd like to go for a walk out in the falling snow and breathe in the crisp air and let my mind wander. Of course I can't right now.... life is calling.