Empty meter

I feel like I have no meter. I can't measure when I am saying too much and when I am supposed to say too much. Or when I am over worrying. I don't mind sharing things but some people do mind. I don't want to overstep. I just genuinely feel passionate when I care about someone. Sometimes it comes out in weird ways...not naturally. I don't know how to feel without it falling out of my mouth in a giant mess. I only know how to be angry when things hurt and impatient when things scare me to the point of exhaustion. I am tired of looking like an impatient cranky mom. I am not. I care so much that I can barely breathe. I kiss my kids cheeks constantly all day. I think of ways to encourage their ability to become more loving, to learn more, and to have better behavior. I just can't control my own. I hate being this mom. I want to just let go but that looks like letting go of life. It should look like being secure that God is in control but it is just preparing myself that something might happen to them. I don't even want to say that because it feels like it might make it just by saying. So I care about my kids by yelling at them and I care about my friends by sharing things that sound negative when really that is not my heart. Yuck. How do you change that? It feels like the more I try to change these things, the more I do them. I have felt at times that by letting go and just being, even if it is bad, makes the fight stop. If you don't try then you can just sit for awhile.
Even when I was in the valley of the shadow of death. I never let go of God. I just wanted to stop fighting and sit for awhile. To let life happen to me instead of clawing my way through mud. Some people may have thought I had turned my back on God but that is untruth. I just wanted to earn my pain for awhile. I was too tired to fight. I still talked to God everyday. He still knew me. I was just so sick of the pursuit of perfection. It wasn't working anymore. Maybe that is where this loose mouth comes in. I just want to spew truth and openness so that no one is hidden. Mostly myself. So no one is missed in the crowd. So that someone is standing up for reality. That isn't my job, I know. I just don't want to be in the place of waiting for someone to reach to me ever again. I want to step at least half way....sometimes more to reach out an arm. Or even kick someone if I have to. Maybe myself even. How do I do that kindly? How do I keep my feelings in check when someone doesn't respond..or worse responds negatively. I can't handle it yet. I guess that is where I am getting ahead of myself. I am getting out of bed before I am better. I am still healing. Man, it is not fast enough. I don't want to be here forever. There, that's my rant for the day. I need a drink...or a pillow...or a hug...anything....
and there's another thing. Do I look hardened. I just need a friggen hug. Maybe I am on the outside.....See I sound angry again...