I am on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Not a real one. This is what I dramatically call this feeling. I don't like it. And sometimes I love it. Cause at least it is feeling....but usually I hate it. I hate the thoughts that come when you are alone in a huge group of people. Like sitting in a church Christmas service. This is where I was. I can feel my issues coming up. I can feel them from the person I am sitting beside. I can feel them when we are eating cookies and drinking coffee and I see peoples eyes. Eyes can't lie. Eyes say things that the soul is feeling. Could you see my eyes. Happy to be out, but sadness trying to push that away and overwhelm. I feel really sick. All that just from some eyes. From the memories behind them. I still enjoy myself and push those thoughts away. Ignore what can't be changed now.
And when I go home and the small high is over. I get low. I feel like I should just stay home cause I am exhausted. Why is that.
And why do memories bother me. Even the good ones. Even to the point of not having pictures of people up on the wall unless I see them often. I don't like missing people. And when I remember good things it is always tainted. With the bad things. I focus on the bad things. I have to get on to writing that good timeline. My timeline holds bad memories. When I look I see more. I want to focus on the good things. I really do. Am I a realist....or a pessimist. Or am I trying to protect myself from thinking life is going great so that I am not blindsided when it is not how it seems.
Maybe I am just tired today. Tomorrow I'll be okay again. I hope.
Isn't up and down annoying. I am willing myself out but I am not yet out. I am hanging by a rope- sometimes upside down, sometimes right side up. So I am up and down....annoying. Aren't you better yet. Weren't you getting better. Ugh...goodnight.
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