digging

I have been digging. Last night. Today. Romans. Esther today. Back to my study. God is immeasurably gracious. I am finding that sooner or later I am going to have to let go. He's got it. I remember a long time ago a friend saying to me that maybe God was showing me my heart. I thought she was wrong. She could take that back. I was good. I was striving for all things good. I don't know if she was right or not but I remember her saying it. It is good to take a look at yourself. I wish we could all have our own hidden video camera experiences. I want to see how I am and be shocked into changing...or even realize things that are of good worth that I do. But mostly the bad. I want to be self aware. I think I am that but I would like to see things as they are and not as they only seem to me. How I say things and how I react. It is so hard to control the way we want to appear. The way we want to be. I think that striving for the things that are loving and admirable will take us there. I am lacking in good fruit. It is so hard to decipher why. I have been having major anxiety attacks lately and have been increasingly tired. I want to replace my thoughts with better ones and my words with words like breathe......truth....simplify.....,deep breath.....I feel better already. May God grant me peace and to you too.