digging

I have been digging. Last night. Today. Romans. Esther today. Back to my study. God is immeasurably gracious. I am finding that sooner or later I am going to have to let go. He's got it. I remember a long time ago a friend saying to me that maybe God was showing me my heart. I thought she was wrong. She could take that back. I was good. I was striving for all things good. I don't know if she was right or not but I remember her saying it. It is good to take a look at yourself. I wish we could all have our own hidden video camera experiences. I want to see how I am and be shocked into changing...or even realize things that are of good worth that I do. But mostly the bad. I want to be self aware. I think I am that but I would like to see things as they are and not as they only seem to me. How I say things and how I react. It is so hard to control the way we want to appear. The way we want to be. I think that striving for the things that are loving and admirable will take us there. I am lacking in good fruit. It is so hard to decipher why. I have been having major anxiety attacks lately and have been increasingly tired. I want to replace my thoughts with better ones and my words with words like breathe......truth....simplify.....,deep breath.....I feel better already. May God grant me peace and to you too.

I can't breathe.

When the people who are suppose to be your greatest support are your greatest sadness instead, it really sucks. It makes you want to go home.
When they don't understand what they are doing to you. Or just don't understand you. When they curse you. When you see a way out and they smash you down so you can't walk towards it. When they drag everyone else with them and leave you there to die. And you can't speak. And so they don't know. Cause they don't want to know.
It is still getting better right? Please God, do something, but I can't handle anything, so I am stuck again. I am not going to make it. I trust you LORD. Do something like you have before. Let me not want to die.

just in time

I was praying for...dun dun dun...patience last night. It is the one thing that I am really struggling with. I am exhausted and need just a spare minute to myself but there are no spare minutes. They are all full, and I get impatient. I don't want it to affect my children. I just want them to be free of anxiety. Aiden chews on his shirt sometimes. I hate it. It scares me that he is "catching" my anxiety. That is the point that you want to send yourself away. Sad thought, but not a lingering one.
This morning in our mom's group where we are studying the book of Esther we were left with the concept of the week...balancing passion verses patience. God knows what he is doing let me tell you. I hope this is the time I get to deal with it and start to change this impatience. I hate that it controls when I am tired. I want to start watching my words. I need to. I need an overhaul.
I need to be free from fear, from anxiety, from impatience.

backsteps and cleaning the bathroom

I just finished cleaning the bathroom. I don't mind cleaning but I hate cleaning the bathroom. It's not just the grossness- it's the cleaners. Because I had lost a child and in an attempt to not lose another one I became over cautious. When I was pregnant with my second son, I wouldn't eat anything that I could not feed a baby....no pop...no junk food....I ate lots of cucumbers and kiwis. I also stopped doing things like using nail polish remover...creams with Vitamin A....certain face washes...no hair dying....and no harsh bathroom cleaners. I didn't want to be the cause of harm. To this day I feel the same...at least about cleaners...and preservatives....and school...and.....if I could only live in an Amish community, I might be happy. Fresh food and hard work. Simple.
But this wasn't the topic of the evening. I don't really have anything to blog about....except backsteps maybe. I hate backsteps. They make you feel like an idiot. Like you have been there, done that, and now you are just complaining. Squeezing every ounce of hurt out of something. Nothing happened, at least know to my knowledge, and a simple dream messed up my whole day. Well, maybe not simple and I know it points to bigger issues but I choose not to think about those. I need to go let the bleach clear out of my nostrils. G'night.

cloudy dreams

I had an awesome day yesterday so it was bound to be a crappy, cloudy day today of course. The day isn't even half over. Why can't I just have a streak of good days. I feel like crying. I feel like someone is in town that I don't want to see. I want to go seek out if I'm right. Bring out this horrible feeling....
It all started with a dream. I am a dreamer. I have different kinds of dreams- the kind that have meaning, the kind that are processing, and the kind that are random parts of my day all mixed together. I love to dream. I find it fascinating. This morning I woke up to a not so good one. One of a disturbing nature. These kind mess with my head. Two old boyfriends were in this dream. No Garry. I was in a weird space. With one for a few minutes and then the dream changed and I was provoking the other one. And I was in trouble. Doesn't matter what the weird dream was about. It was the rollercoaster of emotion and then waking up to confusion. Where am I and who is my husband. I am partly joking but I hate these dreams that play with my emotions. I used to have a dream about a different old boyfriend and know he was in town or on his way. Why is it that I always knew. A connection in spirit....a pre-warning from God...I dunno. Anyways, it is frustrating. It makes me want to start a fight. To draw out emotions long past dealt with or that need to not be dealt with cause it is too late. I hate the too late part of it. I wish you could go back and say...I know you are married and we are in different stages of life but there is this one thing that I am dealing with and need to know the truth about, and/or apologize for in part, if you could just rewind for a second.....It doesn't work though and is dangerous. I tried it once. The outcome was bad....
I cried it out in the shower and now I am trudging through the day. Many things are bothering me. I am seeking to make some new dreams for myself though. I have been pondering this for awhile. A house on a piece of land....with enough room to add a few more houses when my kids are older. Maybe they'll stay close to home. Maybe I'll get a huge family.
Ugh. I just had a flashback to a dream I had awhile ago....an apology...hmmm...what a weird day. I am stuck in dreamland.....I have to be honest that I don't mind......I'd like to go for a walk out in the falling snow and breathe in the crisp air and let my mind wander. Of course I can't right now.... life is calling.

stockings and other crafty things

I had a rather good day. I have put my mind on hold because my babe has been sick. I am so glad that I can do this or I would break down. I can't handle sickness most of all- especially fevers. Yesterday I got him some antibiotics. So now I am in this "for now" mindspace. No processing allowed.
I went to Aiden's preschool Christmas party with the kids this morning. It was great. It allowed me to feed all the kids at once and without preparing anything. Great. Juice boxes included.
After that I got my brother and sister in law's baby/ Christmas present mailed off. Relief. Nice.
Then I went home and put the sick kid and the just a runny nose girl to bed. I immediately went downstairs to do some sewing. I got tons done. I was amazed. Both kids slept long and were still sleeping when I finished as much as I had wanted to get done. Crazy. Oh, and boy number one was downstairs with me playing on the computer.
After that we went upstairs and I actually fell asleep on the couch for a minute or two while we watched cartoons....or rather Aiden watched cartoons- other kids still sleeping! Ah.
Keiran woke up and I went to check on Gem who said, "pooping now"...I ran her to the bathroom and left her there. I am not really potting training as I am too tired all the time and it is exhausting in itself, but she is going randomly. If I can get her to poop consistently on the potty I will go full force. And she did today. Success.
After snacks and diaper changes I thought about running to the store or getting a pizza for dinner and realized that I had money left in my wallet. I didn't even have to leave the house. Smile. I never have money in my wallet. Pizza ordered. No cooking or stressing over dinner. Hee hee.
After the kids were in bed I willed myself to go downstairs again and finish some stockings which I wanted to be homemade. It was fun and fast. Another check off the list.....although I realized that I forgot about myself and Garry. Which means I have to go back to Katja's fabric shop. Darn (add sarcastic wink here). Sigh. And there is my night. Checkmate.

Tonight I am going to sit on my bed and pray for my friend. I feel vomit coming on.....poisonous, powerful, throwing up. I am sobbing enough that I can't see. I can't believe the lies she is being told. No wait, I can. I know them. I believed them too. I prayed the prayer of "God let me not want to die". I am scared for her. If she can just get to tomorrow she will be alright I think.
I will pray over her. Now even....what am I waiting for.
God, I pray for K. I pray that she will feel your presence overwhelming. I pray that she can be angry....sobbing.....falling apart and letting go...anything but feeling stuck, feeling like wanting to die. I pray for strength enough to go through what she has to go through. I pray for hope in turn with sorrow. I pray that she will know the truth that "suffering brings perseverance, perseverance character, and character, hope" And hope does not disappoint....hope does not abandon.....hope does not forget.....hope does not leave you in the rain to get cold, and to pretend there aren't tears, and to numb body parts.....hope believes all things.... Let her fathom the depths of her healing and give her a glimpse of the end. Give her a glimpse of the beginning...of ministering to a land where abandonment and abuse is prevalent....where she will know and understand and help others overcome... And then Lord, bring her back to you. To her. And let her let go. Let her be not okay. So that she can be okay. And cover her with support and shock her with people that will hold on to her for dear life.
Ugh. I have more prayers but I am going to my bed....soon.

Rejoice Emmanuel has come

I loved Christmas when I was a kid. We had big family Christmases. Christmas Eve at my paternal grandparents house with all the aunts and uncles and cousins, and Christmas day at my maternal grandparents house with all the other aunts and uncles and cousins. We had soooooo much fun. Everyone brought their baggage- drinking, smoking, hoarding, abandonment, adultery, etc. but other than waiting for the table to be de-hoarded and getting a tummy ache in the meantime, I remember the fun. I remember the anticipation, the laughter, the gift giving (of course). I remember my grandmas little hide-away dishes for candy and nuts. I remember trekking up the toboggan hill out back of the bible camp next door and having a hoot as we flew down the fresh snow. I remember giggling as we held hands and my grandpa prayed, "Dear Heavenly Father, we now return thanks for our many blessings...."
After we moved Christmases weren't as full. When I got older they were empty. When I had kids the joy returned. One thing I didn't do though was Santa. I attempted to get a book describing the real Santa Claus for a fun story but I told my kids he is just pretend. I don't like the idea of the lie and the stranger but most of all I don't like that it gives kids a sense of entitlement. I want my kids to have joy in the fact that they can bless others with their giving. That they can think of the person they will give a gift and take care in what they want to say through their gift. I am thankful. I love you. I want you to be happy. And some thoughts for more older years....
I have seen the brochures for World Vision and I would find joy to buy someone a goat or a chicken in a world where they have hunger but all that seems far away. I still want to have something under the tree as well. I would be deeply disappointed if there wasn't a thoughtful gift there for me but I want it all to mean something. I don't need something. I want to bless and be blessed.....and of course watch my kids eyes light up with excitement.
Last year we had nothing and we were blessed by others. It spoke volumes to me and my husband. This year we can give. And that makes my eyes light up. Not because I am a saint but because I am passing it on, not just to others, but to my kids. Merry Christmas. Remember they will know you by your love. Just as we know Christ by his.

quiet

I can't stop talking. I can't stop trying to help. I can't stop analysing. I can't stop processing. I can't stop second guessing. I am exhausted.
I fell asleep by accident this morning. I was going to wake up Garry and see if we were going to go Christmas shopping. We haven't done any yet. I fell asleep instead.
When I was younger. All my life. Until I was twenty....or somewhere around there. I didn't talk much. I was quiet. I held back. I watched everyone. I was the one unmemorable one (or that's how I see it). I knew so much about so many because I watched. Only in safe places did I talk.
Now I can't stop talking. It's like I have to make up for the last thirty years and get it all out. All the details. Expose the accidental lies and find all the truth...and the truths that lie within those lessons. I try to stop. Try to leave it alone for awhile. Maybe I don't want to go back there. But again, I need balance. I don't want to accidentally say to much or interfere. I don't want to make things about me. Push my healing out into the open and run over everyone in the way. I want to clasp hands with the ones who are on the same path of healing and walk strengthened and quiet. My mind and my soul just need some quiet.

I am rubbing my forehead.

I am on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Not a real one. This is what I dramatically call this feeling. I don't like it. And sometimes I love it. Cause at least it is feeling....but usually I hate it. I hate the thoughts that come when you are alone in a huge group of people. Like sitting in a church Christmas service. This is where I was. I can feel my issues coming up. I can feel them from the person I am sitting beside. I can feel them when we are eating cookies and drinking coffee and I see peoples eyes. Eyes can't lie. Eyes say things that the soul is feeling. Could you see my eyes. Happy to be out, but sadness trying to push that away and overwhelm. I feel really sick. All that just from some eyes. From the memories behind them. I still enjoy myself and push those thoughts away. Ignore what can't be changed now.
And when I go home and the small high is over. I get low. I feel like I should just stay home cause I am exhausted. Why is that.
And why do memories bother me. Even the good ones. Even to the point of not having pictures of people up on the wall unless I see them often. I don't like missing people. And when I remember good things it is always tainted. With the bad things. I focus on the bad things. I have to get on to writing that good timeline. My timeline holds bad memories. When I look I see more. I want to focus on the good things. I really do. Am I a realist....or a pessimist. Or am I trying to protect myself from thinking life is going great so that I am not blindsided when it is not how it seems.
Maybe I am just tired today. Tomorrow I'll be okay again. I hope.

not feeling stupid

I took the control away. I felt no fear. I was over it. I was open. I went back, so that I could move forward. I had a revelational thoughts.....that everything I went through in the second part of my life, were mirror images of the things that happened the first half, the things I couldn't speak about or didn't understand.
I have lived by the motto that suffering brings perseverance, perseverance character, and character hope. I was thankful for the lesson and knew without a doubt that God could use unfortunate circumstances for good use. I now have the thought that God even 'lets' things bad happen, not just uses those things. I have felt that I was forced, or at least had no control over situations. Where no matter how much I tried to leave, I was still back in the same place. That place being Fort St.John. I think God put me there and said- no you have to go through this time. Yes, I made bad choices but those were incremental in forcing me to come out of myself. Not all my time in Fort St.John, being ten years on and off, was bad but it was a place I never felt settled. Never felt connected in full. I was just there for a time.
And no one can tell me that God won't let bad things happen for good purpose. I have read about Tamar, Hadassah, or even Job....or the man that God told to marry a prostitute and no matter how she left, bring her back home...who was that again? Anyways...I don't think that those were unfortunate situations but bad fortunate situations (if you catch my drift).
Last night I even talked to a friend about three circumstances that I am pondering right now. I didn't even feel dumb when she left. Usually I have regret about sharing too much of myself but it was different. I was taking the secret power of fear away. And she understood. Of course. There is no such thing as coincidence.

Creative and inspiring photography from my friend Char.

there's a nut.

I have an anxiety attack at about four o'clock everyday. I could tell time by it. I am serious. I feel it and think...it must be four. I wonder why that is. Maybe my brain is messed and the part of the day where I used to get that tired spell before my second wind, I now get worse. I wonder if it is the time that my miscarriage ended. Maybe my body has noted that it wasn't a good hour. Maybe it is that nap time is over and I have to make dinner and everything is caving in. I don't know but no matter the circumstance it happens. So today, I took tea to the Christmas play rehearsal and sat on the couch and was late and got through it. Rather quickly I might add. I came home to have another one after dinner and before bath time anyways. Maybe it is when I sit down for a minute...
In the midst of pulling it together, the man of the family that I took some baking to, called. My son was in the bath, and my other son, overtired and teething, was crying but it was okay. I was glad that he called to let me know he got the box and card set inside the doorway. I was even more happy to hear how, or at least what, he and the girls were doing. I didn't need a thanks. I just wanted to know he was encouraged. To know they were making it. It is a fine line between encouragement and that negative attention that comes with death. Or at least that what it feels like to me. After ten or twenty "I am so sorries" that comes with a horrible "I pity you and don't know what to do about it" look, you can want to hide in a dark corner and never come out. My heart is full and I am glad that I reached past the fear and did something about that nudging in my soul. This is the stuff that makes a difference in my life. I have been waiting for kids to grow, and things to change in order to live life. I was on hold. It was with good intention...knowing that this time will pass and things will be different on the other side, but it wasn't good. It is not a good idea to just sit and wait for life to resume when reality is that you are living it right now. That hasn't given my life meaning. It has just made me think, "how did I get here, and when did I have three children." I want to teach and nurture my kids. That is my purpose but also I need to have purpose within myself. I need to realize new dreams and hope on those. I have my family and my good man. My first set of dreams. It didn't turn out like I planned but it happened just the same. Time to think on new things.What is next for me in life....I can't wait to find out.

In a nutshell.

I woke up this morning the middle of a not so pleasant dream. In the dream my daughter was not cooperating and amidst a diaper change had gotten poop on a wall. She must have been yelling at me in real life. My husband had heard her as I was stuck in my dream. She had peed through her diaper onto her sheets and as I could smell, number two was present also. They had come to me for the changing part. I told my husband how funny it was that I had been dreaming about this. Gemma said, "Oh, mommy bad dream." This launched Garry and I into almost uncontrollable laughter. I changed Gem and got back into bed for awhile. My chest cold was bothering me and I was not willing to start the day yet.
When I got up again. I went downstairs to get some kids clothes from the dryer and heard screaming and crying and the usual. It is hard to tell when you are not there whether or not it is dramatic crying on the girls part or actual beating up from the boys end. A little discipline and hugs...move on. I got the kids dressed and fed them their breakfast, then attempted to get myself ready. Monday is our mom's group and today was followed by a joint birthday party so I had a lot to get ready. First I had to go to the bathroom before I peed my pants.... it seems whenever I am indisposed chaos arises. I could hear slamming against the wall and screaming and crying. Ugh. Deal, and back to the bathroom to brush my teeth. More screaming and crying.....you have got to be kidding me. (Sometimes it takes me two hours just to have a shower with all the running back and forth...I usually let one kid nap, one watch cartoons, and the instigator, I put downstairs on the computer and let him play Treehouse kids games.) So, I left the bathroom again. Here is the point I lose it. Gemma has complained that she has been hit in the head twice now and is half the size of her two years older brother. I will not stand for this behavior. He thinks it's funny and runs back and forth behind the couch. In an effort to not make this a game of tag, I start to raise my voice. Not working. "But I don't want to go to my room mom" We have two rules in our house: One being no disobeying mom and dad, aka listen, and two being that we are not mean to our brothers and sisters. He has violated both. I hate this part of parenting. He is banished to his room until my shower is done. Meanwhile the baby starts to cry and falls asleep outside the bathroom door while I shower. This is not usual but I needed him to sleep while at playgroup. Needless to say...I was late, which I hate.
At mom's group we are studying the book of Esther. I love it. Beth Moore has an amazing way of speaking. I am getting something out of every word. And I mean every literally- not the usual, a little from the study, a little from the discussion- every word. This has come at the perfect time of life. I am encouraged and reminded that life is going somewhere. After the birthday I struggle to get the kids bundled and to the van but  it is a little price to pay to get out and get some mom time.
When we get to the van I remember that I have a package to drop off for our friends. I have been thinking about them so often and praying when I do. I can't imagine how hard it is for them right now. Aiden and I have been baking this last month and putting away a little at a time in a box for them. It has been time for us and teaches him to think of others. We are both enjoying it while the other two kids nap. Anyways, our box was full. They weren't home but like happens in a small town, their door was unlocked. I slipped the box in and was hit with the aroma that I knew so well. That alone almost brought on a nervous breakdown. This pleasant smell was almost overbearing last year at this time when I was pregnant and my sense of smell was sensitive. But now is distinctive and comforting. The smell of a mother. Candles and oil to keep the house uplifting. I had thought about this, I had smelled it once randomly, or maybe just remembered it, and wondered if their house would smell the same now that she is gone. I thought it wouldn't but it did. A reminded that this house is still full of Sheri. That she isn't gone but just removed. That her girls will remember all that she has taught and her family will know how much she loves them still. That they will see her again. Life is short. Eternity is unending. I had thought that there was time to reconnect but there wasn't. I can still feel her hug. I can still see her eyes...although tired the last time I talked to her. It is a reminder. All of it.
And now I am sitting, typing, napping two kids. The other one is calm....ish. I feel like I am standing near an ocean today. I am on the beach and the waves are hitting me but I am still on the ground. Usually a large, almost drowning wave rolls in at four o'clock but by then we'll be out practicing a Christmas play.....

Empty meter

I feel like I have no meter. I can't measure when I am saying too much and when I am supposed to say too much. Or when I am over worrying. I don't mind sharing things but some people do mind. I don't want to overstep. I just genuinely feel passionate when I care about someone. Sometimes it comes out in weird ways...not naturally. I don't know how to feel without it falling out of my mouth in a giant mess. I only know how to be angry when things hurt and impatient when things scare me to the point of exhaustion. I am tired of looking like an impatient cranky mom. I am not. I care so much that I can barely breathe. I kiss my kids cheeks constantly all day. I think of ways to encourage their ability to become more loving, to learn more, and to have better behavior. I just can't control my own. I hate being this mom. I want to just let go but that looks like letting go of life. It should look like being secure that God is in control but it is just preparing myself that something might happen to them. I don't even want to say that because it feels like it might make it just by saying. So I care about my kids by yelling at them and I care about my friends by sharing things that sound negative when really that is not my heart. Yuck. How do you change that? It feels like the more I try to change these things, the more I do them. I have felt at times that by letting go and just being, even if it is bad, makes the fight stop. If you don't try then you can just sit for awhile.
Even when I was in the valley of the shadow of death. I never let go of God. I just wanted to stop fighting and sit for awhile. To let life happen to me instead of clawing my way through mud. Some people may have thought I had turned my back on God but that is untruth. I just wanted to earn my pain for awhile. I was too tired to fight. I still talked to God everyday. He still knew me. I was just so sick of the pursuit of perfection. It wasn't working anymore. Maybe that is where this loose mouth comes in. I just want to spew truth and openness so that no one is hidden. Mostly myself. So no one is missed in the crowd. So that someone is standing up for reality. That isn't my job, I know. I just don't want to be in the place of waiting for someone to reach to me ever again. I want to step at least half way....sometimes more to reach out an arm. Or even kick someone if I have to. Maybe myself even. How do I do that kindly? How do I keep my feelings in check when someone doesn't respond..or worse responds negatively. I can't handle it yet. I guess that is where I am getting ahead of myself. I am getting out of bed before I am better. I am still healing. Man, it is not fast enough. I don't want to be here forever. There, that's my rant for the day. I need a drink...or a pillow...or a hug...anything....
and there's another thing. Do I look hardened. I just need a friggen hug. Maybe I am on the outside.....See I sound angry again...

Mish-mash on truth.

I am sad about losing friends. There are people in your life that mean so much and circumstance puts you on different continents. They were there for a reason. But then they fall to the side. There are those people that can endure distance and those that don't care to. I often feel guilty about this. I care about my friends and I want to stay connected. I am committed, even if far away. And I know that you can hold someone in your heart even if you are miles away. I call and then when I don't want to because I have no time and every time I get on the phone my kids get that smirk in their eyes- the smirk that says that they know you are busy and they don't like it one bit and you can't do anything about the chaos that follows. Then I want to phone but I hate phoning and then it's been forever. Why do I feel guilty. They didn't phone me. They didn't make an attempt at all. Sometimes you just have to let go. No I am not talking about you. Anyways, I am sorta mad about it tonight. I would like people to treat me with honesty, and yes sometimes I don't care to know so that I am not hurt, but please don't be fake with me. I think anyone would rather be broken up with than drug through the mud while they know in their hearts that you don't give a damn. Tell me like it is. I have many blunt friends and I like them. They'll tell you what they think. When you're an idiot. When you are being a jerk. When you are putting yourself down. They won't try to figure out what you want to hear and coddle your insecurity. I like those women, strong enough to deal with the consequences of truth spoken. There it is... the thought to ponder for the day. Ha ha. Am I a woman that can deal with the consequences of living truth out loud? Can I be honest? I think so but I need to think on that further. I hope so. Figure out my truths and then live honestly....I'll even give an example....
I lived with Garry before I was married. In fact, when I met him I didn't even want to think about marriage. I had had enough. I had decided though, that I would own my own bad decision and be committed to him rather than fool around and try and fool my family. I can deal with consequences no matter how horrible, and they were horrible. I am telling you this to say that I am no judgemental saint. Anyways....I have often heard people say that once you have lived together, slept together...that you are married in the eyes of God. This often left me thinking. Is that true. I get that thinking. We had a JP come when we actually did get married and we didn't have a wedding, we just signed the papers. Just made it legal. Common-law marriages are marriages by word definition and law so is this true. After pondering this, I found the scripture about the woman at the well. The one who was with a man that wouldn`t give her his name. Would this not be a woman in a commom-law marriage. It was still sin. Truth was still truth. She had to decide whether or not to ``go and sin no more``. I still chose the wrong choice but I took responsibility for the consequences. I was honest about it. Circumstances sucked and God knew my heart and still loved me, but the truth was still the same....and we all answer to those same truths in the end. I want to be someone who knows circumstances can alter decisions and everything isn`t drawn in the lines when it comes to life, but I still want to encourage truth. I am finally feeling like I am balancing my truths when it comes to life (not anxiety`s...those are a bit harder) and trying to live that out loud, without fear. Just honestly...just truly.

Not too shabby.

Maybe things are going to turn out so bad. I didn't feel doom but I was just wondering about things. A good long talk with a good friend can sort a lot of issues out quick smart. I can breathe again and got in a laugh or two. This is a simple post but just thought I'd let you know if you're listening;)
On another note I would love it if you could send out a prayer for my hubby. I saw a glimmer of hope for a chance at a job that would more than answer my prayers. I think he might go for it....
I also took off the "best" post because it is ever changing. I still have it and I still love you all but I'd like to keep that one for myself. I don't want to fight myself on it anymore. It is tiring.
Now that all my news and issues are sorted, I am going to bed. G' night:)