An adventure.

I've been walking through thick brush for awhile. It is daylight though so it feels hard but there is a knowing that even when I can only see just in front of me, I can still see. It is different than walking in the dark. There is still a tendency to cry out, "LORD, where am I going? How did I get here? What are you doing?" But in that last cry there is expectancy and hope, knowing my God, who redeems and then uses the spoils to grow fruit. To fertilize truth.
On this weeded road filled with overgrowth, there is a visible path. Someone or many even, have treaded through. Straight through. Beating down the brush with their determination. Not letting the denseness of life overtake but trusting that the path is good. All of a sudden God bends back the branches in front of me. The ones that showed a certain path. And He reveals a different one. A better one. I can feel his smirk above me. A loving one, as he is near, leading me in this turn. You see, He is taller. He could see what was coming and he held it in, knowing I needed to trust Him. I wasn't ready to see it all. I still don't see it all, but with each bending back of obstructions, and with each trampling down of weeds and overgrowth, there is a new way. A way that leads to newness, freedom, generational blessing. I am so excited. What an adventure.

beautiful worship

rebuilding

It seems to me that this day of bible study homework should have been ravishing to my soul. (Dramatic, I know, but I am making a point.) It wasn't. I have been there. I have experienced those things. I have experienced the sin that follows years of a bothered mind and tainted childhood. But now there was no shame or agony. I could think of reasons why there should be, but it is gone. I hope and think that this is a testimony that I have been healed of these things. When it no longer rocks your existence. When it no longer shouts out that you are that evil and stuck with it forever. I am better in this area. I am seeing myself as free. And thanks to a talk with a friend yesterday, the tail end of it all is breaking off too. The remnants of destruction.
I told my husband the other day that this year was going to be good. Last year was a year of stripping off and this would be a year of change. "A rebuilding," he said. It made me laugh and then made me want to cry. He didn't even know that this was the theme of our study. The theme of this year. Was he looking over my shoulder as I read the words that came from this verse: They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. ~Isaiah 61:4. And this was confirmed again as my friend sent me a book about homeschooling of which the first page had this very verse. She didn't know either.
What did make me come to tears was the last part of our study. A pre-written prayer. A testament that you put yourself in. A promise that God gives to all of us.... I have a plan for you..... Let me perfect you. It seems to me that all the dreams that I have had, the plans made in my youth, did not turn out. But it is occurring in my heart, that He has a greater plan. More than I could have imagined. That's why He is God. We cannot even fathom his thoughts, his good plans towards us. Us. Me, even. I could have wound up a Christian wife, still bound in my pain, struggling with a man still bound in his, and living a mundane life. I have never believed in living a mundane or "just because" life. I have always thought that God has a purpose for us and that we don't have to settle for the ordinary. We can be extraordinary people. Somehow I had believed that it was too late and I would just have to carry on from here. But God had bigger plans. I will get to be whole. I will not have to settle or sit in my consequence. It was all in the plan. The life that I live now causes me to strive harder because I have to hold up my end. It causes me to see more of the other side because I am surrounded by it in so many ways. It makes my choices that much more important because they have purpose. I won't get stuck (hopefully ever) in the same old. I choose to be changed and be a catalyst for generations to come. In my weakness He is strong. I am so thankful for that. Romans 8:1,2~ Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

Letting go. (Redeemer and Chief.)

I'm falling, I'm falling.... WAIT, I'm flying. Letting go is not about giving up, it is about giving up control over to God. Relinquishing all fear. Letting the leader of the home, be the leader of the home, and realizing that God is over him as well, even if he doesn't believe so. The same old truth that just because someone doesn't believe, doesn't make the truth change. Truth is truth. God is above. High above. Not even close to anything that disregards or is in opposition to Him as LORD.
First: 1 Corinthians 7:14~ For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
Second: 1 Peter 3:1-6~ Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the reverence and purity of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
....reverence and purity..... the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.... do what is right and do not give way to fear....
I have been asking for a restored gentle spirit, a sereneness. Wondering when I became so angry. Here are my answers and my how to. And why does it say do not give way to fear? My answer for that came to me this morning. Fear causes distrust; distrust makes one take over leadership, and that leads to not trusting God as well. In an inability to control, I get angry. And then I feel like everything is resting on my shoulders.... but I put it there. It is a vicious cycle. My husband has been showing me favor, the more that I let him be leader. GOD has been giving me favor. I searched more into this on blueletterbible.org (an amazing resource), and the "master" part translated is in one part meaning Chief. I'll take that one- my husband is Chief of the family- he has the power of deciding.
And it is no coincidence that this verse also talks about being a daughter of Sarah. We are the seeds of Abraham, co-heirs with Christ, the daughters of Sarah. (And this partly came out of my Beth Moore, Breaking Free homework, and Galatians 3:26-29.)
So, in all this, I will not remain stuck by my choices but will continue to hold up my part of the bargain, which is to do as God has asked and follow him. My leader, redeemer.

A small world.

I am feeling a bit chaotic at the moment. Perhaps overwhelmed by the inklings of enormous change that are happening all around me and even in me. I am blown away at what God can use and how he can wind people in and out of ours lives. It also brings in me a caution of things that I do and say. I have been asking God for this though and welcome it. I want to have a firm view on how to speak wisely about people. I often do not do a good job at this. Anger has me venting in frustration sometimes. Sometimes it is for good purpose, I mean well, but I overstep and ignore the caution that I feel inside.
This also brings me to think about situations in me that I didn't deal with and think that it is too late to do so. We somehow think time or distance can make things go away, or get better, but there is always potential for a piece to weave it's way back to you. I am grateful in this that I know a merciful God. He is continually working all things for the good. He is not done with me yet. I will choose not to forget where he has brought me and therefore foolishly think I have found a plateau of perfection.
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23.

A world of change.

I think I am in. We are in. I am beyond excited these last few days, as a plan (prepared by God I'm sure of this) has formed to homeschool my children. I have never wanted to shelter my children but now I see it differently. I want to guard their little hearts and minds, and not just at home.
School isn't like it was for us. I have formed my opinions of school (and homeschool) on how it was for us as kids. It is no longer that way. The older kids are now given free reign- no consequences. The younger ones are taking the brunt of the discipline in order to try and dissuade them from following the example of the older ones. I think it is all backwards. The ones too little to understand in full are receiving harsh punishments. They aren't allowed to be boys. They aren't allowed to wrestle, to crash blocks and build them back up, and of course toy guns are evil. It isn't a "there's a place and time" issue. They are given no place and no time for how boys naturally play.
I have always known I would disagree with certain sciences and moral beliefs but the amount of other issues being brought up that displease me, has brought me to a place of knowing that I can't let someone else have the job of instructing my kids anymore. I want them to excel and I also want them to be kindhearted people. I like the thought that discipline is a discipling, a teaching, an instructing of ways. I have been guilty of getting away from this lately, but by the grace of God, I will get back to this. I want to encourage my kids in the right ways. I think homeschooling will as well bring back that intimate attention that kids so seek. That my son especially, as he is the one school age right now, will feel confident in knowing mom cares enough to take time with him and cheer him on.
I have had these thoughts of who I would like to have been and how that would not be because of my choices, but I see that as a lie now. I can strive for what I can't see. A year, month, even a week ago, I would not have thought that I could be a homeschool mom. I have quite a few months to prepare and as I look back in retrospect, I see God has been preparing me, even ten years back.
So, this post is a bit of a mess as I am busy today and have been back and forth trying to get this all out, but I conclude that what is coming is good. I am excited beyond words and my husband has given me the go ahead. I can't wait to see what this year brings- and it is only January.

GOD, you have bent my mind. I am overwhelmed. By your mercy. By your goodness. By the fact that you are not equal to anything but above all, and not a little above, beyond measure. Why do I try to understand and process things to my liking when your purpose will prevail? You will plan out things better than I could ever imagine, as you have before. I pray that this continues on in your way and isn't blunted by anything opposing. Prepare my home, my family, my mind, for this will not be an easy task to take on. However, it will be a rewarding one. Full of firstfruits. Full of joy. Mahal na mahal.

Thanks Max.

This morning the daily Max Lucado blog devotion talked about 1 John 4:18~ Perfect love cast out all fear.... There is no fear in love.
What a thought. What a truth. It made me think of when I was a kid and had no fear because my dad or mom were there. And it made me think of now when my husband is on night shift and my child is sick. It makes me want him home. That if he was there I would be less afraid and he could take care of things when I can't anymore. Isn't is funny though, that the actual fact that he is home doesn't change a thing. My son is still sick. He can't do any more than I can. But he can love. Somehow knowing he is there with love, makes it all safe. It lets me breathe a little deeper. How much more than that to know God is for us, there in his love always. If I could just make that thought resonate through my soul, I would be fine.... just fine.

To be or not to be.

To live in the world but not of the world.... To raise a child up in the way he should go and when he is old he will not flee from it. I am torn. Again. I need to pray into this I think, I know rather. Pondering this in my own thoughts is not helping.
I never desired to homeschool my children, knowing that when a person has to be an example and has something to stand for, they will. I did. I was glad to be a Christian. I stood for something.
On the other side, there is so much that is tainted in the school system now. An imbalance of discipline. A twisted learning. I have been glad to have teachable moments for my son, but how much of the things that I don't catch/see will rub off on him and leave imprints. Ugh. I know where this is going but it circles back a bit every time too.
It reminds me of the study I did this morning. The King walked in the way of the LORD but did not remove the idol places, and so the people did not change. I feel a need and I think it is important, to be the first word in a child's learning. That God's word is the first word. That His truth abides. I also don't want to raise a child who is so overprotected that when he is sent out into the world later on, he is shocked, does not know how to make decisions because he hasn't been faced with any evils, and therefore is torn down to dust. It's a live and learn, make mistakes and be refined situation. This all is complicated.
In the study that I did before this one, I stopped watching television for awhile (a fast of sorts, a refocusing). I am now not wanting to watch much at all. I never used to. I hate that all this "it's only pretend" thinking lets anything into our minds, our thoughts, and chips away at our discernment. I am now taking on thoughts that this "fifteen minutes with God is all you need society" is damaging us. I do not have a problem with prayer and being prayerful throughout the day, but my study of the LIVING word of God is short. I get alot out of it but the balance of what is influencing me of God, and what is influencing me of things that are contrary to God's word, is balancing on the side of evil. I feel the need for my input of Godly concepts and thoughts to weigh greater than my intake of worldly things. Is this an outrageous thought? I think not. It is very overwhelming though. How can I keep my head above water? How can I be set apart when our culture is so strong in what is contrary to what I believe?  And, I don't want to be just barely above. I want to walking in faith, on the water. It's no wonder that it only takes one storm for me to feel like I am drowning. It makes me wonder what the society was like in Sodom and Gomorrah. Is our society one step away from that? Do our children even have a chance? I want them to have a chance. I want them to always know God. I want them to know the truth because the truth is part of their life and not just a story. (Sigh.) This is where I start to joke about living commune style where we have fresh vegetables and are not only set apart from the world but oblivious to it;)
Anyways, I don't know the answer, and I was hoping that it would become clear in writing this all out, but it still is not. Prayer, word searching, gathering of options. Here we go....

Gathering bits.

God is gathering the bits together for me, for this year. I have been preparing for a huge change. It has begun early, or just in time, as I was thinking that I need it sooner than I had to wait. I had a dream awhile ago (I had talked about this already a bit). This dream was about anger and being in rage to be heard. Yikes, those words coming out, are coming straight from a hurt that runs deep. Last night, I sat beside my son's bed, almost in darkness except a faint night light, my presence letting him know he was fine and could sleep. I sat there an hour and started to think of when I was young and how scared I was to sleep. How I turned off the light with anything that could reach the switch from my bed. I often just slept with the light on in that basement room. I had been talking about this while ago and my mother was there. She had voiced that this fact was horrible, or something along the lines of that. It makes me wonder, and I do probably know, why I never said anything. Then my mind wandered to a parallel situation, when I got my first apartment. It was on the basement floor. Hmm, that is even more parallel. I used to sit in the window of this terrible place. I would sit and smoke a cigar as the smell of the tobacco was soothing (a habit that I picked up in Ywam, and is a whole other story). A man used to watch me from up in an apartment building across the road. It was a bad place to live. I had just thought it would be great to have my own place and for cheap rent. I worked afternoons and came home late and would get my keys ready so I could run to the door. Once two guys were fighting in the hallway and I could hear them yelling about being friends in prison. People in this place would party all night. I slept with the light on. The RCMP came one morning and buzzed my apartment to let them in and I did. I could hear them banging on a door across the hall and no one answered, even though they said they knew he was there. Finally the cops left and the man did come out then, screaming about who had let them in. Fearful place. Lights on.
This is the place where my downfall began. The apartment. Or so I thought. But when I look a little further, I think, "I didn't have a chance." Fear was bred in me.
But now this will change. God has been bringing up things to my mind in preparation for this year. I am coming with expectancy and I will not leave without a blessing. I might even dare to say that it will change everything. I pray that it will change everything and more.

Sunday sermon.

My Pastor talked today about man being made in God's own image and man being God's crowning glory. (Psalm 8.) That we are supposed to reveal God's righteousness for all to see Him in us. He talked about how God looked at the man that he had created in his own image (Adam), and said it was very good. (Genesis 1:27-31.)
I thought about these two concepts intertwined as he spoke, it made me think about when my son Aiden was born. I used to call him "daddylips." When he was born, we looked at him and tried to see in him all the things that were reflected from us and our family. I could see God looking into the eyes of Adam and saying, "You have my goodness son, my mercy, my kindness. You are gentle like your Dad. You will grow in wisdom. I am so pleased when I think of what you have inherited from me, it will bless you." Have you ever seen a picture taken at a hospital of a dad and his baby, fresh from the womb and all swaddled up? If you have, they are all the same. The father's eyes are fixed on the newborn with a gaze of love, pride, awe....
And then the Pastor talked about how our righteousness is like filthy rags.(Isaiah 64:6.) I could then see a picture in my mind, and this one stayed a long while enfolding, of a bunch of cloth that looked like it had been in a mechanics shop. Soiled and bundled, in knots. This is like how it is when we try to take care of our own righteousness. When we try to keep being good enough. We take a clean, white cotton rag and wipe off the dirt. We carry on. We make another mistake. We wipe some more. We tuck in the rag and fold it over, trying to find a clean edge. We fall hard. We pick ourselves up and wipe again. Soon there is no clean part of that rag left and if we keep wiping, we just make the smudge worse. We need renewing. If God is our righteousness (1 John 1:9), then he purifies us. We can stop wiping and just be clean.
Sometimes I wish I could paint so I could show you this picture. It`s like an oil painting. Anyways, I just wanted to share that pic. It made the verses come out in a new way to me. I am glad that God`s mercies to us are new every morning, that God is continuing to renew our minds and hearts in Christ Jesus, and most of all, that he will finish unto completion, what he has set out to do in us.

A reminder, a promise, a new song.

It's true. No really, it's true. I promise you.

Still human.

I am really struggling with this whole broken body thing. My insides are screaming. They hurt so bad right now. Actually, I think part is the body pain and part is the mind pain. I wish I could overcome this problem. I still have hope that I will but right now I feel downhearted. This last week has been hard. I pushed on in my physio and had so much hope but I am feeling torn down. My body aches so bad. I wake up feeling nauseous in the night. I just want to crawl back into bed as we speak and stay there until the pain goes away. I don`t know whether or not to carry on or wait. I want to go to the doctor and make sure everything is all right but they never know. They send me around. I leave feeling it is all up to me again. I feel like I have to decipher if it is fear or pain sending me in before I ever go.... this can last awhile, the trying to discern what it true and what people will think and if I can handle another doctor`s appointment. I hate doctor`s appointments.
I don`t know how I can be doing so good and doing so bad at the same time, but I think it has something to do with a healthier soul, frail body. I also have a thought that my body being torn and bruised in the places that hold in my babes, is a direct result of losing two of them, and of baring the stress of waiting, wondering if the next will make it to birth. No one else has broken baby parts. I think mine are a reflection of what has happened. Then I miss MacCrea, and think of Ariel`s dark curls framing her face. That will always be there. And I long for Heaven. And I long for more purpose driven life on earth....

A need is a seed.

I went to physio today. I had my appointment. My rear end hurts to prove it. (Sorry, but it is true.) I wanted to stay and read for a bit, while waiting for my husband to pick me up. I have been immersed in a good read by Francine Rivers. However, I saw my van waiting across the street. It ended up being someone else's van, as blue van's are in excess, so I ducked into the Salvation Army Thrift Store. A friend and I used to go there with her mother when we were in highschool. We would find cool old men's cords to buy, cute college shirts, and woolly sweaters. I remember a brown collared t-shirt that I had bought with the name Rudy embroidered on it. Those were some good memories. I didn't see anything interesting today.
As I walked out, I saw the poor lady from last week. I chatted with her a bit and found out her full name. She was digging in the free bin. I went back into the store with her to look for some running shoes. She told me that she was bipolar and on medication. I told her that I understood that and it was hard. She agreed. She told me that her arches were fallen and she needed ankle support in her shoes. We found her some hiking boots, some new shoelaces, and she threw in some gloves. They told me she wasn't allowed in the store. She put down a rolled up cigarette on the counter. They thought it was drugs. I don't know why she was banned but I can imagine. Stealing.... throwing a fit.... who would care if you had nothing to lose.
We went outside and she smoked the cigarette as I said goodbye. I wonder if I will see Theresa again. I have a physio appointment in a few weeks. I would not be surprised if she just happened to show up along the road....
I thought more about her as I had lunch with my hubby and kids. As I rubbed Gemma's back I sent out a prayer that is common from my mouth, "God, let my children always know you." It made me sad to think that Theresa is someone's lost daughter. The workers didn't want to touch her, they said they wouldn't help her find shoes, they backed away when she tried to show them that her cigarette was just that, they wanted her out, and this was at a place meant to help people like her. I just wanted to hug her goodbye. We are all someone's lost daughter. And I am no Mother Theresa but for some reason, this lady keeps showing up in my path. I don't believe in coincidence. I wonder if there is a lesson to be learned or if this is just practical Christianity- see a need, fill a need.
I have been thinking about a sort-of mission statement for this year:  Am I planting a seed or growing a weed? I want God to grow my faith this year. I don't want to let my tongue loose and grow anger or bitterness. I don't want to make a person look bad in someone else's eyes. I want to cherish my children, encourage my friends. I don't want to give up on hope for things that seem dreary in my life, and they do at least once a week. At least. I want to learn to count my blessings instead of adding up my pain (and this does not mean not mourning over things that are sad and should be mourned, or pretending everything is rosy). I want to share in firstfruits and wisdom. I don't want to glean off the floor. I want to glean from the hand of God and then share it. I want truth to be filling my days, more than unedifying sources. I am on a tangent but back to the basic story that is; I want to be ready to fill a need. Poor in spirit, poor in body. Filling a need is planting a seed. They will know you are His by your love. The end.

Sometimes we need a little spur.

I am excited for tomorrow. For Monday. We have an amazing women's ministry at our church. I for one, would not like to ever take it for granted. In the morning we have a place in the church basement to lay down our momness for awhile and rest. A place to fellowship with women who understand children. A place where Grandmother's add to the love by watching over our blessings. A place where friends meet and uplift each other. I am grateful for this ministry.
Then at night I am now attending a bible study group. Same place, but there I get to fellowship with more women of different wisdoms. I love it. It is purposeful. It stretches me to use my grown-up brain for awhile. It is encouraging.
I am in need of these times. I love my children to no end. I often miss out on times to be ministered to. Or to participate. I want to go for prayer. I want to sing in worship. I want to hear a full sermon. I have been trying for weeks. All I hear are beautiful giggles, silly peekaboos, seeking-mommy-comfort cries. I love these things but there must be a time to receive. I feel like I am always giving. I want to be always giving. I need to be encouraged and just hugged for awhile too. We all do. I want to heal, grow, rest, so that I can be more for my kids. More for myself. More for God.
(And a side note to all who are in a relationship of different faiths, unequally yoked. Think on this. If I could hand my child to my husband for a moment, then I could be part of this all. He is supportive but I am held in a certain place because he is not there. And I knew this all but I was too hurt to care. If this is you, please think on future places. If you are fine to be held in one place, carry on. I would not change my husband but I sure would love to lay my blessings down so I could lay my burdens down once in awhile.)
Anyways, I have been fighting it seems the last few days. I am so expectant but there are circumstances that have been pushing against my faith. Alone, I would like to just stop fighting. If I stop moving then there is no pressure. But what would I gain to stand still? This is why there is such a need to keep meeting together. To encourage. To share of yourself and share in. To build faith. I can read my bible anywhere but where can I be built up? On Mondays.

Hebrews 10: 24, 25~ And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

And there's more;)

I have been inspired this week and therefore want to write and read and write and quilt. There has been birth and death all around lately. I love that when there is birth, it is a complete miracle. God has knit together a child and then gave them breathe. There is nothing more showing of the truth of God, or so I think, than the birth of a child. And the more kids that I have, the more I see that the relationship that I have with my children shows me so much about the heart of God. And then there is death. There is nothing that will change you and draw out your beliefs more than death. It forces one to think about God and if there is more than our breathe in this life.
The other day I found a new blog to read and that I love. A woman that is searching for truth in marriage. (If you scroll on the side of my blog, you can see some other friend's and strangers blogs that I read.) I also have a friend that is going through some hard times in her marriage..... wait, aren't we all;)
A little while ago I watched a song intro video that talks about marriage being an expression of God's love for the church. I am adding this to my thoughts on life purposes that mirror God....
Babes= God's love for us in creating us in every detail. Mothering= God's want to have relationship with us and they way he loves us in protecting us. Marriage= God's love for the church and the way we should serve each other in love, uplifting and hoping all things good. (I am paraphrasing.)
Of course I am working on these things everyday. Here is what we are all striving for:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7~ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Here is the video link that I was talking about as well.....

They that wait.

A little over a week ago my husband and I had a talk. I think we are throwing babes back on the table. I have always wanted to have more children- lots of children. Not having children goes against my belief that children are a blessing. A BLESSING. This culture that I live in does not match up with that. They say that children are a burden- they cost too much, take up too much time.... I disagree. I see God's blessings with each child and there has never not been enough for each of them. I have also seen this in friend's lives. With each step God increases.
The only thing stopping me has been my tired body. I have a pelvic floor prolapse and a diastisis. Which means that all the muscles that helped bare my babes are tired. This morning I conquered my overwhelming physio exercises. Before they looked so difficult and left me sore for the day. This morning they became easy and clear in my mind to memorize, instead of reading off of the sheet, and they felt so good, like I was stretching from the inside out.
I am adding this to my prayers of this year. I am hoping for a new child. I don't exactly know what that looks like, and I still have moments that overwhelm, but I am putting my hope in my God.
I will find patience and strength in Him. For they that wait on the Lord will renew their strength. (Isaiah 40).

stormy dreams

I have been dreaming lots lately. The other night I had a dream about my fears. Then two nights ago I had a dream that was full of rage, seething with anger. Not a fun dream at all. The kind of dream that carries that feeling throughout the day and messes with reality.
But it is reality coming out. I am going to look into that dream and ponder it. It had meaning. Roots. I don't like it at all. I know that I have impatience and anger. It coincides with fear. I am hoping, like I have said before, that this is blown out of the water. I can't see clearly because I am in the middle of it all. These kind of dreams are very revealing. Thank God that I am a work in progress. Some days I overcome and some days I wanna go lay at the bottom of the mountain on the lowest ground and stay there for a long while.
I was thinking about many things while driving home yesterday. It was very windy and dark clouds were coming in over the highway. All you could see was a storm but as I reached the next road, the skies were clear blue and the wind stopped. Sometimes all you need is a turn in the road to see past the storm. :)

powerful

The strangest of days.

I had the strangest of days. I went to town for an appointment. They said there was a scheduling error and no sign of there being an appointment booked. As I sat in my car for a minute, checking my phone, a lady came up to my window and asked for a ride to some place I did not know. I said I wasn't going that way. It sounded like a pub. She said she was cold and trudged off.
I was going to drive away and get on with my errands but instead, drove around the block and picked her up. I felt like I would be missing a chance to minister to someone and remembered my own words from my last post here. I had to only drive her one more block but gave her a chance to sit and warm up. I asked about the place she was going. It was a shelter. A place to get a coffee, some breakfast, and do some laundry. She told me that she had had an accident in her pants and then smiled a dirty, toothy smile.
I felt the need to give her something. I had no money in my car. I took off my fleece sweater and gave her that. I had two sweaters on. Maybe now she won't be cold. But even more so, maybe she'll remember the love of a stranger and the faint lyrics of a worship song about a God who cares. It was just a few minutes of my time and it is not for me to know if she was praying for help, or how my actions turn out, or if she even cares at all. I do know she was asking for warmth though and searching for something to give her, I ended up giving her just what she asked. Meeting her need.  
It was like God was calling my bluff. Well, not my bluff I guess because I am not bluffing. The eyes of my heart have been opened to a ministry of women. A ministry of encouragement. I am more than excited. I am willing to be used. It brings me full joy. I was thanking God all the way up the street.
And there is more that went on in my day, but the rest is for me to take in for now. I am looking back amazed. I posted a post about this and made a resolution to wake up in the morning prayerfully. I often wake up in the morning to chaos- a puppy getting loose, potty issues, the sound of cereal pelting the laminate floor. I always go to bed, sitting awhile to pray. I want it to be when I lay down and when I rise. I pray often throughout the day but I want to ask for opportunity to be used of God.
It is funny that when I left that woman at the shelter, I had thoughts of going back there and going inside next time. I thought about our food bank at home and thought it would be better to go in there, but weird for me because I know people there. Same thoughts that are confining. Poor strangers are easier to help. They can't hurt you, embarrass you, and when you leave, you don't have any responsibility for them. In your own town you have to see people you know and when you leave people will watch you, will talk to you when you're tired, will know you are not perfect.
I have some great memories that I love from when I was younger and my aunt and uncle ran a soup kitchen of sorts. I loved being there. Helping people and having fellowship with all sorts. My uncle used to sit and play the guitar for hours. I would sing along with him. I would love to do that myself. I used to lead worship alot. I learned the guitar because I could take it anywhere. Maybe it even had a little to do with my uncle and these memories, now that I think of it. Anyways, I am glad that God gave me this chance, however little, in my out-of-the-plan day. I am not writing about these things to brag but to glorify my God who answers prayer and to thank him that I am not "just a mom" anymore. I am not stuck here until someday comes. I have purpose right where I am....

the perfect lamb, the great I Am.

I had this thought just now about ministry. When I moved back here I had a hard time with people seeing who I was. Or rather I was concerned with who they saw me as. I didn't want to be seen as a hypocrite. I didn't want to be seen as judgemental. I didn't want to be seen as the person who fell, who was scarred. I wanted to be in a perfect place before presenting myself as anything.
So the thought is, that if we start to think that we can't be used of God unless we are perfect, we might as well go back to daily sacrifice. Do you think that the Israelites doubted that they were a people of God? I would think that they just knew it. They shared in and with each other and knew that God was theirs. That they were his. They sacrificed for atonement, but I think it was part of life and not a precursor to living. Here is the picture I had in my mind then.....

Of a line-up in a field. A place close enough to the tents of the people. Imagine a medieval sort of picture show. People gathering. Laughing, talking, children running and playing. Big families. Joyful celebrations. And then a not too far off line of people. Everyone knows these people; they are family and friends. They are silent and walking singly. Alone in their thoughts. They cannot be ministers. They cannot share in the joy. They aren't perfect yet. They have to make a sacrifice. And then they say to themselves, "I am not a part of this people. I am separate."
The people then start to talk as well.... in whispers at first, and then blatantly, "They cannot be part of us. They have to make a sacrifice. They screwed up. Look at him even! By the end of the week he won't have a flock left, he is so screwed up."
But in all the talk. In all the self-condemnation, they are still simply Israelites. They are part of the people. They are just like the rest. Just taking their turn to humble themselves before they turn back to the community. The separating for a moment is actually a good thing. The showing your sin in the line is the place where nothing is hidden and you get to be free again. No whispering with the others. No blaming. After that sacrifice as you walk back to the fold, you are in a purest of heart. Humbled to start new. Open to be used differently. More understanding of the ones walking the opposite way past you to the line-up of woes. The big picture being clearer.

Romans 3:21-26~ But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented himself as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished- he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.

So here's another thought for the New Year- Let's start where we are at. God starts where we are at. Let us be ministers. Let us not wait to be sent out into "missions." Let us not wait to talk to strangers whose lives we can't continue speaking into. Let us get up everyday like you would under the covering of a missions trip- seeking God for the day. Why do we seek out poor strangers only? And this is still important, but look around- I am sure there is someone poor in spirit. Or someone who is walking back from that humble place with a huge testimony. Or someone scared to show their line-up worthy sins. Be the encourager. The minister of the gospel. The love out loud. Be the one ready to be used. Be the uplifter. The one who draws people in with compassion. The one who knows they will have another turn in the line. Israelite to the core- but indwelt with the Holy Spirit.

part three

part two

part one

The 1st.

I have wanted to write for days. I just don't know how I want to get it out. I feel like I have to create an essay or something. A new year plan.
Holidays are hard. They remind you how sick you are, what issues you still have, how messed up your family members are....
Then there is this lull. A place that is quiet but does not feel peaceful. Where that messed up family, that you love anyways, goes home and everything settles. Then boredom sets in.
I am expectant that this year is going to be a year of change. A different kind of change. I know my God and I am waiting. I will not leave empty handed. At the end of this year, I want to look back and see healing. I want to see a grown ministry. I want to see my family molded into something different. I want to find patience. I want to leave fear at my feet and squash it. I want to live out love.
I watched this three-part video of Kari Jobe preaching about worship and ministry, and a part that sticks out for me still was about a-b-c gum. Do we want the second hand? I don't. I want to seek God first. I want to be part of His ministry. I don't want to have to wait in this boredom for ministries to serve me. I want to walk with God first hand. I don't want to get the traces others leave behind. (I will try and post this sermon- it was good.)
Anyways, days are hard, God is good. I am waiting in expectancy. This year is about breaking down strongholds. It is about making life different. It is about God molding something new. I have so much more to say but here is my New Years post. A glimpse of thoughts stirring. I have pictures in my head of so many things. I can't wait to share as they unfold....

The Besterfields, A Chistmas Poem.

I am so thankful for my niche of bests. I love them more than all the rest.
I treasure them more than their weight in gold. Will store them deep in my heart, even until I am old.
The rules for them are not the same, as any other same old name.
They root in cupboards, never knock on doors.
They love like mothers, and pray like warriors with swords.
They know the secrets that no one else knows, because their walls are tall and closed.
But not the walls around their hearts, no bricks were built up from the start.
Instead of walls, they have strong rivers. Love that flows from cheerful givers.
Giving, even though they need, and thinking not, nor taking heed.
But giving from the one that gives, who strengthens lives, who answers needs.
The one that gave his very Son, through the womb of one like them.
And so this Christmas grateful heart, concludes an unravelling thought in part.
Part for my bests who I love most, and my Father, His sent Son, and the Christmas Spirit- the Holy Ghost.

And a song (Kari Jobe, Healer.)

New Years Revelation

Tomorrow I turn thirty-one. This year has been amazing. I am excited for the year to come. This year I am going to give up my fear. Hand it over. To God.....
My anxiety. I call it "my." Like it is an entity of itself. Because it is. I couldn't analyze it away so I let it sit awhile. It sits on my shoulders. I can see it in my mind. It is a huge creature with a wingspan of an angel.... a fallen angel. It has two sets of claws, the first set into my shoulders, clinging to my neck. The second set digs into the middle of my back, between my shoulder blades- if I let this, my anxiety, take charge, it squeezes until my lungs are affected. I fight with it often, but who can fight something that is behind themselves.
Ah, there is revelation..... it is behind me. I pushed it away awhile back but it hovered until it could attack again. It is hard to fight. I need help. I have been asking for help. It is coming. Hope is coming. I am excited. This anxiety is not. It tightens on my shoulders as I write this. You might think this strange but I do not. And I am not frightened lately either. Anxiety, which is not mine, which is not of God, is losing it's grip.  I can't wait to see what God brings this year. I have an inkling. I have faith, and He will build onto it.

More Than Conquerors
Romans 8:28-39~ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died- more than that, who was raised to life- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

A beautiful, Beth Moore, story.

On the outside looking in.

Remember that post about "holding your step?" Well, I called a "hold your step." I had to. I think it is bad timing though....but isn't it always. A hold your step is a "please pause and think this through- you are about to see this thing come to fruition and it may not be good." Ugh. I want to say sorry because I am sure that I hurt the person's feelings but I can't. I needed to say this. It would not go away. You know those times the concern lasts for days and wakes you up at night. Where there is an urgency. I think it is a God thing. And I wrestled with minding my own business but I realized that being obedient doesn't mean that I only get to encourage in good. I mean the way seems good in this situation, but it is blinding good. The fruit is bad. Ugly. Sexualized. Excused. "Funny." It may be somewhat pretend but eventually it will become truth. I wish you could read this friend. I meant not to harm you. I meant not to discourage you. I think though that you are on the wrong side of the mirror. The parallelled darkness. Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father of Lights. My God wouldn't do it this way. Your God, that same God, wouldn't do it this way. It doesn't match up with his word. And he knows you my friend. He LOVES you. He gave you this gift. He wants to give you the desires of your heart. But not this way. So I am sorry friend.... but not for speaking the truth. I measured my words over and over again. I did not say what I said to condemn, but to say, "hold your step." I really didn't want you to be angry at me. I hoped that you had an inkling and that maybe it would be your confirmation.... the nudging on your jacket to turn away. A crowd is forming and they are all going to see this fight. They are going to see how this turns out, your family and all. I am still hoping that you bow out and honor truth. In the meantime I will be here praying for you earnestly. And if you choose to stay and "see how this goes," my God.... your God, will pick you up on the other side....

And the picture.

I was thinking about the last post and as I was in the shower (the quietest place in the house) I had this picture in my mind.....
A man is floating on his back in the sea. It is a clear day and the ocean surrounds him for miles. He is alone. He is dressed in a suit and wears a life jacket. He is waiting for whoever will come to get him. He thinks he is fine. But he is not. If he just stays there, he will die, for he is not being fed.
There is another man, on the same ocean. Wide open. The clear day is turning dark. A storm is coming. He is wet, and cold, and flailing. He looks hopeless but he is not. He is shouting and searching, and hoping that if he starts swimming, he will be found or will find someone.... something.
It's a parallel of the two women: One looking safe and proper, the second looking a little weak. The second was seeking.
I hope I can remember these pictures. To not just hold to my life jacket, but to seek my rescuer.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 ~ "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity." 

By the way. Both women now are strong. Are found. My God is merciful and he will seek you out too. You just have to say, "Here I am." ..... and then you swim towards Him with faith.

A gift. A truth. A Merry Christmas thought.

I have been in this weird world of looking back this month. I have been seeing pictures of the past in my mind. Maybe it is because of the fact that my birthday is coming, I don't know. I like the fact though that when I look back, I often see a greater picture. The essence of the picture is the same but my mind has more experience. I can see the edges of the page more clearly. The effects, the ripples, the thoughts surrounding.
In some great chats lately, I have seen truth coming out. It is strange. Not condemning, but shining a clear picture. There were two people that I saw in a certain light before- a long time ago. One was walking in perfection (or as perfect as she could be), at least I thought... One was stumbling a bit and I was not sure if she knew the way.... But now the truth, from their own mouths, paints a different picture. The first was only seeming to be good. Was walking the way but not in her heart, following the footprints of her parents. The second was finding the way through stepping out, even though she was falling, her heart after God. Why are we so stupid to this, that it is the heart that counts. The unseen. The prayers. The seeking after God. King David shows it clearly in the psalms. He had a heart after God but he was a man. In imperfection he fell, but then he saw his wrong and he sought his God.
Do we seek our God out? Do we see our wrong and hide? Or see it and think it's too late? David was an adulterer, a murderer, remember. A heart after God. His sin avalanched into death but still he sought God. He turned and searched. He praised. He knew the truth. He saw it. Do we remember that this King David was the same child who in faith threw the stone at Goliath. Do we also forget what God has done in the past and run from our pursuers? We are weak but he is strong. We are faulted but in Him we are made perfect. It is not what we, in our panicked minds, do that frees us.... that helps us. It is in seeking Him, Jesus, who came to set us free that we are truly free.

Ephesians 2:8,9 ~ For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast.
<3 What a gift. Hope you all have opened it. Merry Christmas. <3

Portfolio of grace.

I love truth. I hate confrontation. It scares me. I hate being misunderstood.  I do not like the concept that my words could be taken the wrong way. But I love compassion..... Grace......
I have a portfolio. It comes from my heart. Of places I've been on both sides of the picture. It is strange. It is like this; when you lack forgiveness you get to see what the person sees on the other side. When you judge you will be brought down so that you know. Or maybe it's just me. But I know. I am not a hypocrite. I speak from experience. I have lost a child, lost a man, lost a friend, lost myself. I have found a hope, saw answered prayers, and felt the hand of grace. I have experienced even more than I would share, except for with a few who need to hear it. I expect that every choice will be drawn out and completed, but that there always is a turn. That place where, in a pause, you can make a choice either way. And this for good or harm. A choice to run with destruction or freedom. A place where the things you don't clearly see, you can all of a sudden see. Then it's your free will.  You get to decipher if you will continue or step back. Or if you will run. Or if you will lay there and die. Or if you will choose to be built back up. It's your choice. It's my choice. We all wait. But eventually, we have to take a step.....

Plans for Good and not harm.

I had the thought this morn, "what's on the agenda for today God...." It felt joyful. Maybe cause I know God is doing something good. Maybe because in that thought, I let God be in control of the day and not let the day overwhelm me. Maybe it's because I slept in a bit. But something is stirring. Stay tuned..... ;)

awesome. raw. truth. a song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjkIHdVwfEk&feature=related

utterly imperfect

I am my kid's protector. I am my children's teacher. I am their soft place to land. I am their comforter. I am an example of God to them. I am not good at it. I am imperfect. I am exhausted. I have rough edges. I am impatient. God how do I do it all? How do I let them know that they are loved unconditionally? How do I have patience when I have nothing left? How do I let it all go to you. My holding on to them makes it impossible.....
GOD, you are their protector. You are their teacher. You are their soft place to land. You are their comforter. And you are mine too. I have bad days but your mercies are new every morning. I am gonna need that. Thank you for grace. Thank you for your example..... teach me all these things and more. Mahal na mahal.

God of Justice.

When I left my home up North, I thought it was for my husband. I thought it was for my family. God doesn't let anything go to waste. He uses it all. For good.
I didn't want to be here. I came here a few times over the years only to leave again. I hated it here. I thought it was awful. It felt awful. It was awful.
My church had fallen apart at the same time my heart had begun to fall apart. Once strong I felt like I was torn. I made an ultimatum.... I will not do this again.
I ran. I ran to good but my heart was torn. I walked in the way I was meant, but my heart was still torn. I let the ultimatum in my heart, slide into a spoken ultimatum. I would not let God heal. I wanted him to make me a deal to protect me from what first punctured my soul. The deal fell through..... because I made it. An ultimatum. To limit God. To limit healing.
So, when we came here, my family and I. I felt it was for all of them. I would suck it up for them. But God doesn't waste. He brought me here too.
Immediately I was face to face with all the pain I had gone through. I could see it all. I could feel it all. I felt like throwing up.
A few years before we moved, I had looked at myself and found that I couldn't recognize "me" anymore. I had been talking with some young men at the door and heard them speaking lies about my God. I wanted to show them the truth. I couldn't. I had forgotten where to find what I was looking for. I had held to God but stopped growing. Stopped seeking. Walked in death a little while to cover the pain.
I had tried a few times to pull myself out. I went to one church in an attempt to connect, and the lady beside me said there was no room- her husband was sitting there. I felt like there was no room in the whole church for me. I went to a different gathering and felt alone. Even the people I knew would not speak to me. I felt unworthy. I even left town for awhile to escape, but even there I felt like the opposite of myself. At the bottom.
When my son was born, I wished it not on him to suffer for my pain. I wanted him to know my God. I found a place in willingness, where there were Christians willing to show their scars. People who wanted to seek after God, regardless of their struggle. I am so thankful for that place.
After this, I had lost my third child (a second loss) and I did not feel heard by God. I did not feel trusted. I knew that he would hear the prayers of other so I left it to them to surround me. And not that I didn't pray, I always pray, but I felt disconnected. God heard my cries and I had Gemma.
And then in that place we prayed for change. Change for my husband's job. Change for my family's situation. And a few months later it changed.
I had just finished saying that we were caught up on bills and in a safe place. It was going to be okay. From that moment our world began to unfold. I think that God was pulling back the layers so that we could move. My husband, who worked on-call, wasn't called. A few months and he was layed-off. We took the chance to move closer to family. Our house sold in a week and a half. And within the month we had moved.
I didn't want to come here. It was a detour.
God, began to change things. I began to see things differently. It was painful. It felt long. In the beginning I wanted to die. When I gave up, God began to move.... to really move. He showed me my unforgiveness. For a man, for  a church, for myself. I thought I had forgiven. I had just moved. I had just counted it all for something God could use for his good but let it sit, even a little, in the depths of my heart.
When I gave in. When I really forgave. God showed me his mercy. God showed me that he knows my walls. He showed me that he is changing things. That I am not forgotten. That it is not too late. That there are worse places than pain. Places where we don't know Him.
He showed me a place where I get to add onto things for my kids. Where I get to minister. Where I am an adult and I get to have words for my kids and for the people I am encouraged with. A place where I am not ashamed because he brought me out.
I don't have to count where I was scorned, burned, hurt, betrayed, abandoned, and didn't have a say. I get to have a say. I don't forget where I came from. I don't want to become healed and proud. I want to be healed and humble. I want to make a safe. A place where we can seek, regardless of where we came from or even where we are at. A place where we are all forgiven. A place where we can all teach our children truth but don't hide from pain. A place where we are forgiven. Truly forgiven.

Psalm 34:22~ The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

Three times.

I do not write because I think I am the queen. I write to work things out. It seems as when I write, my thoughts can be clear and I can find the truth that I am looking for....
And when I say, "we" it is not because I am preaching to an audience it is because I am struggling with a friend or venting. We are all struggling. I can feel the pain and it is overwhelming me.
Right now I am tortured by thoughts all day long. I want to step in and help my dear friend. But I cannot show her- she has to see herself. I have a page of thoughts that I have been writing out, just to release these thoughts from my mind, but it is not helping. I feel like she is on the ledge but I can't get to her to hold her in. Her back is to her safe place and she is ready to jump. She thinks she can fly. Someone told her she can fly. But she will fall.
I fell once. It was a long walk back up the mountain.....

GOD of MERCY

But where there is counterfeit, there has been truth. There all along but waiting for you to seek.

Psalm 34~
I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.

The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry; the face of the LORD is against all who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

The righteous cry out and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.

Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

Hear that: NO ONE WILL BE CONDEMNED WHO TAKES REFUGE IN HIM.

The word of the month is counterfeit. (To go with the next post; God of Mercy...)

Counterfeit.
We forget Satan is beautiful. We forget he was an immaculate angel. He isn't ugly.
And so are not his evils. (In appearance.)
They are parallel of truths. Twisted. Rearranged. From the dark but appearing light. Seeming to heal. Seeming to help. But they turn, like a deceptive friend. They overwhelm and overtake. They steal our husbands. Lie to our children. Oppose our best friends. Separate us from our families. We feel amazing and free. Behind us and around us are tidal waves of destruction. We can't see because our eyes are still fixed on the beauty of the unfolding parallel. When it unfolds it is too late to change things. When the petals bloom and the insides are all black, we can finally see. Only then are we shocked back into reality. We can finally look around. We can see the destruction. We can feel the darkness, but what can we do? It is too late, the twisted beauty has speared us. And then it scorns us. Shows itself. Tears us down some more. We cannot believe how we were deceived, but it is too late. Life is broken.
Counterfeit.

James 1:14-18 ~ but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like the shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we may be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

The ugly and the beautiful.

There is a place of ugly. It comes and steals our joy. It taints our reality until we see ourselves in a different light. We look at our friends faces and see lies reflected. Lies that they don't want us, don't like us. So we hide. But they aren't seeing us. They are seeing this ugliness. A place that stems from hurt. A hurt that when we hide it, it mutates into a mask of seething, and words of hatred. We hate the ugly and what it did to us. We have to blame someone, something.  We need to escape.
But the ugly is only a deception. If we let go of the hurt. If we throw it as far as we can. If we combat it with forgiveness. If we choose not to believe the lies, but search for the truth. If we let God show us that our chosen captor is just as flawed as we are. If we choose to step out of it until one day, we see a glimmer of beautiful again. We see it reflecting from our friends. It radiates their beauty too. It grows from behind their eyes. They no longer see the ugly. They can only see you.... and the one who covers you with joy.

The grump.

I am in a mood. I feel like a crank. I'm grumpy. The kind of mood that makes a person feel like starting a fight. A grumpiness that makes someone not want to worry about anyone else's feelings. It is strange. I don't know fully where it is coming from. Something hit a nerve. Or bruised me. Something rubbed on an old bruise.... and it hurt. A friend that I went to college with used to rub our actual bruises- we hated it, it felt wrong, but she said it caused the blood to come to the surface and heal it faster. Maybe that is why we want to start a fight. We want to draw out the pain. Bring it to the surface. We want it to be gone.
I saw something out of place the other day. It bothered me. I summed it up to myself as "you are not the queen and don't need to know everything." But now it is closer. It brushed my arm. It hit a different nerve than the original instance. It is now bothering me more. One for selfish reasons. One for truth I think. The latter is not my business though. Maybe that is the part where I want to rub in the truth for my own purpose. But this is not really my heart. I want to encourage. I do not really want to start a fight.
And I am not perfect. I don't want someone egging on me about things that I already know, and am working on. I want words that are uplifting. An encouraging word will help keep me taking steps in the right direction. This rings true the other way as well. I hope that in wisdom, someone who loves me would be able to say, "Hold your step." Maybe that should be a code phrase...... "Hold your step, friend." Take a look at who you are stepping with, who you are taking along, and where you are going. Permissible? Beneficial? Uplifting or dragging someone down. And if you are going to rub a bruise, do it for healing, not just to start a fight.

My soul yearns for you. (A mini sermon.)

I am tired of all this positive thinking talk. Where does it come from. My scriptures say to think about things pure, lovely, admirable, true. (Philippians 4: 8.) True. Good. Not to pretend all things are great. Yes God can turn around things for good (Jeremiah 29:11.), for us, but last time I checked I saw David crying out to God. I am not about sweeping things under the rug and putting on a smile. That doesn't fix anything. Isn't it humanistic thinking to say that we can will things to be all lovely.
I see the truth of clinging to God. Crying out to him. Saying, "my life is crumbling God! Turn it. Fix it. Change me." I hate when people say.... "well, at least...." Does God say to us, "someone is far worse off then you my child." I can't really see that. I think we should be aware of huge things like poverty and the state of our wellness/wealth, but for the sake of example, would God have said to me, "I know you had a horrible, tragic, miscarriage, but at least you didn't have a baby die like your cousin." No! How unloving would that be. God meets us where we are at. He knows all of our walls. (Isaiah 49:16.)He knows all of our needs. He says to us, there is a time to mourn, so mourn. (Ecclesiastes 3:4.) And He will hold you, and calm the storm around you until you can step out into the waters of faith.
And then there will come praising. Then you will be truly in a positive state of mind. A state called joy.... thinking on the great things God has done in you or through you, but not because of you, because of Him.
~ Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21.

It is new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness.

My soul is wooed this morn. That is what it feels like. My body hurts, my mind is tired, but my soul feels love. From my GOD. I am weary and grasping for some change. I can't do it within my own will. God has moved into first place where he should always be. I accidentally put my kids first for awhile. I grew up with two loves; a hope for a family/a husband and children, and my God. Because of the way everything does not go according to our plans, my focus was on the first. I was stuck in fixing it. I am stuck in fixing it. I need to be stuck on letting that fall away and walking in God.
And I think I will never be truly happy until I am living in his calling for me. I used to be in a place where I had no want for a home or any things. I just wanted enough to get by, enough that I could pack up and go at a moments notice. I wanted and was serving God in missions. There was unresolved pain in my life though. Unforgiveness. Misunderstanding. Then my kids came and I longed for security- seeing it only in a closed in home with enough money. Where did that thinking come from but through fear? I see my friends who are living with their four kids in a place less than secure, and they are serving. They are living for their souls, not their bodies. I long for that again. And I already know that feeling of being encompassed and surrounded by God's spirit as you walk in his purpose.
Now I feel stuck a bit. Maybe a lot. My house is divided. But God knows His plans for me. Plans for good and not harm. To give me (and my family) a future and a hope....
GOD, bring my whole family out of ourselves. Build us into a whole family secure in you. Mahal na mahal.

To paint a picture of untruth.

I am planning this night for my kids, I don't know where I conceived it but it is going to be fun! First I am going to rent some "R" rated movies. I think it will be great fun, the scare. Ghosts, witches, vampires. Nothing is too scary. Then I think we'll watch a crime show. Something as real as it gets- a murder mystery maybe. I hope that there is something with lots of blood and gore. Maybe a knife sticking out of someone's head. Come on, it's fun- no one is too young to come. My kids are five, three, and one:)
And then I want them to indulge so I am going to get them some treats. Candy, candy, candy. I hope they eat so much that they feel sick! It will bring great memories. I don't care where we find it either. Stranger, smanger I say. If someone has something to give you, take it. Am I right? Free candy is even better.
I better give this night a name. I better make it special. I don't want people to think I am a bad parent. When my kids act out. When they look terrified. When they look at me in wonder at why I would do a thing so out of character. It is all in fun, really. Harmless.
What do you think I should call it? And do you want to come? Everyone else is.....
 

in remembrance

Looking back. It's been a year. A friend went home. All is settling now. (As much as I can see.)
I was looking back this morning. Much has changed. So much. God used this friend's life and death to point straight to him. I remember the last time I saw her, her eyes were dark and she looked so tired. If I only knew then what I know now, but I didn't. We didn't. But that is the only time that I remember dark eyes. Her eyes were usually shining. Her life pointed to Christ. I remember watching her in church and sometimes she was the only one, hands straight up, telling all, declaring that she knew her savior.
One day I will tell her, and I am sure she already knows, how God used her to awaken my reality. To show me how great a mother she was.... how great a mother I am. God answered the question that I had two days earlier....what if I got to the point that I thought my kids were better off without me and my messed up self. I saw clearly the lies. I saw clearly what would happen. I am so grateful. I know this was just a small wave flowing out from this tragedy and rocking my heart. It is not about me but I want to share how satan doesn't win in this.
That day and the days that followed I never heard one word of evil. I heard stories of how she touched people's lives time and again, and how God shone through her. And I saw a family grip tighter to God himself. I know she is dancing with Him and her arms aren't stretched up anymore, now they can just stretch out and embrace her savior.

And now I pray for that same blanketing that I did a year ago, to cover two girls who still have to grow. Two girls without a mother. GOD, I pray that they would always know you. I pray they would hold on to you with all of themselves and grow into confident and wise women. Protect them from lies. Encompass them with your truths. Amen.

Love is patient, love is kind.

The theme of this, my thirtieth year, is balance. At the moment I am struggling with the balance of my mouth. I want to share but in growing up shy and holding it all in, I am forcing out more than I want to. I used to sit back and now I know that if you do not give of yourself, you will not be given back to. I however, do not want to be overbearing and over sharing. Rhyme not intended. Haha.
My heart is to really know people and care about them. I want to understand why someone is who they are and have compassion.
And I want to get back to patience. I find myself sounding angry. I am not meaning to be; it is a cover. I am angry often but not because I want to be.... because I can only come out of myself by pushing. By demanding. I want to stand up, but I want to exude confident gentleness.
Ugh. I am exhausted from processing how this will come about. I only know I can't find patience on my own. I can only hope in the one who works things out..... and hope people will bear with me until then.

Thorn in my side.

The more that I live in the world, the more I want out of it. I am shifting my mind on my biblical motto: suffering, perseverance, character, hope. I can only do this. God will not take us out but he will walk us through. And I pray that I can change continually towards being an unconditionally merciful and loving person ,so that my kids will be encouraged in faith and confident in themselves. It's about all I can do. Pray and step one foot at a time..... coffee in hand;)

Darkness vs light.

There is a place of dark that is so soothing. It fixes immediately. It then quickly dies and turns to despair. It grows in an effort to remain sustainable but it only leads to death.
There is a place of light, it is so soothing. It fixes immediately. It radiates in your soul, resonating peace. It grows and bears fruit.
You know the touch of the light, but some seasons the darkness lingers. The dawn doesn't break. It casts a shadow on the light, calling you to sleep. You almost give in. It is easier than having to fight it.
But, if you wait on the light your strength will be renewed.
  

The truth will set you free.

I am overwhelmed with good anxiety. I mean, the anxiety is still not good, but it is coming from things that are inspiring. Summer I hate sometimes. Like I have said, it brings disconnect. I am waiting for the peace to return as programs and schedule return.
Last week at the return of our mom's group, we began spiritual scrapbooking. It is forcing me to look internally. To look at decisions and where God has had his hand in my life. I love it.
Yesterday was a day of celebration at our church as the pastor and congregation shared in commemorating the day that the baptist and pentecostal churches in our town, joined as one. It has been a work of God. For years churches fell apart as the people wandered from denomination to denomination. I was drawn back into this town, and this church, not coincidentally, but to feast on the fruit of forgiveness and unity. And it was definitely against my will. God had plans.
Tonight I start a study of Daniel. It is another Beth Moore study and I am super excited to see what God brings in my life because of it. The last study, Esther, had a great impact around here.
All of these things bring encouragement, hope, and a remembrance of where God has brought us/me and that he has begun something that he will finish. Summer has been a losing fight it feels, but now I am drawn into my hiding place. My God. My truth.

running in flip-flops

I am a little excited today. Life has been a little bit of chaos. Tomorrow our family starts the next stage of life; Aidy is in full days of kindergarten. He is so ready. I have already been teaching him to read and he is doing great. He needs to go go go all day and I think that this transition will give me more patience and him more calmness. And, it will give me time to encourage Gemma and read to her.
I took the kids for a walk today and went for a run with Aiden. I can't wait to have time to do more of this. I NEED to get out of the house and we were walking when Aiden was in preschool. It helps. Summer has been too busy somehow.
This is my favorite time of year and I am a bit inspired....

I love you to the sky.

It's little Mac's day. Happy day babe. <3

a dream, a glimpse, a pirate party

Sometimes I get scared that I won't be able to pull myself out. Sometimes it isn't a matter of climbing out, rather holding on. This too shall pass. I love when God stirs my soul and even though I don't know how a change is coming, I can feel it coming. It is so hard when you are in the middle of it all, to see the path turning. I often find myself getting a little excited when I see a friend that has been struggling and is now at a desperately hard turn. I know that this usually means that something is going to finally change and it will be good because God answers prayer. Those who seek him out will find him. It is hard to remember this when you are the one distressed. It is hard to seek when you are exhausted and battling at every turn.
I know I am probably repeating myself but I have to say all this and that I love fall. It is my favorite season. It always brings good change and stability. I love sweaters and jeans, and warm blankets. I love being surrounded by bests. I love the programs that entertain and bring fellowship for both myself and my children. I am start to feel ambition returning and maybe, just maybe, some rest.
I have been feeling lately that I am out of place. I have been watching the people around me and feeling disconnected. I know I was hiding out this summer, too exhausted to give anything. I am remembering that if I am feeling this way about most everything, then it is time to start reaching out of myself. A giving, encouraging, and friendly spirit always brings more happiness. When I start to call, to say hi, to remember needs, and to push past my depression, I start to feel better. Unforgiveness and bitterness feed depression and anxiety. I long for the way things used to be but they aren't. I can choose to be sad or I can grow relationships into something new. I can be the encourager, the peacemaker.
Oh GOD, let the fruits of your spirit come. More and more.  

remember to cry

God hears your cry. He does. So speak it.
Last night in my prayer journal, I spoke it. "God, ....... I am unbalanced again & on the wrong side. I would rather be unbalanced, leaning into you...." I am not going to tell you my whole prayer but God answered it immediately and confirmed it in the morning. First with the verse, Romans 8:13 ~ For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. I feel that. Then in the morning a sermon was spoke straight from God's heart, through a man's lips. That sermon was for me. I'm sure others too, but for me. Even personalized. With the verses God gave me when we moved to this town..... I know the plans I have for you....and with verses about fear, which I succumb to so easily.
Today was encouraging. I feel humbled by God's presence and reminded that greater is He that is in me, even though I feel brought down by some who don't know him. But then there are those surrounding me that know God, and I need that fellowship. I can't wait for the fall. It is a time of renewing. A time where it gets cold and we all get close again and remember where our focus is.
I need to remember to love out loud, and to cry out loud.

grrrrrr

I am frustrated. I am trying my hardest to love and care for my kids and I meet resistance. So what if I am over protective... if my kids don't almost drown, don't get sick on cake, don't get so tired that they crash, don't get to run wild until they need stitches. Isn't it my job to protect them. I try my hardest not to smother them but I don't say what the heck, we ate cake until we were sick when we were kids, fell down the stairs until we learned, never wore our seatbelts, and we turned out fine. And these are mild statements. I know some of the parents that wish they just watched their kids a little more. And why is it so bad to care. People get right mad at me. I am so tired of this. I can care for my kids however I choose. And if I don't, I feel like I could die. I can feel my son falling down the stairs, I can see my daughter throwing up from sunstroke.... I don't ponder this. It hits me. Until my heart feels like it will stop.
My husband says I can choose my reality. Sure. I choose to have flash thoughts about driving off a cliff by accident and therefore feeling in reality like I am going to throw up. I sure do love choosing to live like this. It's great. Add sarcasm here. I ask my help, what can I do. The answer is all the things I can't have. You need to sleep.... impossible, with three kids taking turns waking up from growing pains, teething, bad dreams. You need to take time for yourself..... impossible, I come last and have task upon task to do.  Do something for you- that fuels your soul..... I wish, I can't even get a minute to pee half the time. And then there is the fact that I don't feel loved or heard..... add that on to gash away at my soul.
I did get a nap today. It felt great. I appreciated it so much. But then I realized that there were loads of dishes to do now that I slept, that my kids had been back out all day in the sun and were looking a bit sick, that I needed to make dinner since they needed to eat too. Then I had pee laundry to wash and kids to bathe so I could hopefully get their tired little bums to bed early. I get help randomly but mostly I am it. I wouldn't change having my kids for a second. I love them more than life. I just want a break and when I voice that out of a desperate cry not to lose my mind, I feel scorned. I could demand what I need but by then I am too tired. By then I am angry and defeated.

A little sober.

This morning I am sober. Figuratively. I feel a little better. One step ahead is a load off of my shoulders. You would think that past things should be trivial but time doesn't heal. God heals. I don't know why I feel better. It doesn't change anything in the here and now. It almost makes the here and now worse. Almost. But it makes a bit of me better so I guess that is moving in the right direction. I feel a change coming and the month has changed. I love that. I love to turn over the calendar and wait for what's in store for the new days ahead. August is one of my favorite months. It is also the month that I lost MacCrea. August 26th. Six years it would be. That is crazy. I hope that this month it is good. And warm. In the North it is when the fall leaves begin to come. I miss the North this time of year. It is soothing.
Here, I am hoping for warmth. Our fence is almost built and I would love to get a fire pit so we can stay out late in our new yard. It is beautiful and the light post out front keeps the yard lit all night. In daylight the kids can run in their perimeter and we can just sit and enjoy the view.
These things are inspiring and make ambition return. They make me feel creative. Yesterday I wrote in my prayer journal instead of a third post. Some things you can only express to God. He won't misunderstand you because he knows your heart. And then came the scripture... Psalm 103 over and over. I am not feeling strong lately but God always reminds me that He is. Anyways, now to wait and see what's in store for the month. I do know that there is a new babe on the way in our extended family. This makes my heart happy. I have some quilting to do....

Bittersweet.

My friend's are my cloud of witnesses. Surrounding me on this weird day. An unspoken protection. Maybe even subconsciously. I love this. I didn't realize it right away. I see it now. I love my friends.
And today was definitely a strange one of sorts. Not over yet but in a moment I think today has been a change. I felt it. I think I might have contributed to this. I sent a small message. Just a random thought of correction. It had huge meaning. It feels nice. It is like the part where you say, "I'm sorry and I love you," and then you breathe tears and then you hug.  Now I am really putting myself out there for those of you who know what I am talking about. And I am not meaning to be inappropriate at all. I will cling to reality in these thoughts.
Have you ever seen that show, There's Something About Earl? Where he goes to the people he has wronged in the past and tries to fix it all. He can't, and it goes all wrong. But in the end there is a change and it is better. It is like that.

Holy mess.

I can't even begin to sort through the waves of emotion crashing over me. I am such a mess. I long to grab hold of the tide that will pull me out, away from the rocks. I might just fall head-on, over the rocks and be drug under water. Why is it so hard for me to make the decisions I want to make, if only in my heart.
I wonder if I had fixed up these feelings a long time ago, then maybe I wouldn't be in a raging storm. But I know that probably isn't true. It doesn't matter. I have a love/hate relationship with trials. I love them for learning me to be better. I hate them for the wicked scars that remind me.
At this point I am standing at the edge. This is an extremely dangerous place. It looks pretty in spots, but the rocks are just below the surface. Their powerful jagged edges saying, "this is no place to jump in...." They echo their words as a warning. I stand at the edge for hours. For days. Contemplating consequence. Contemplating how I care either way. I long to care. Then I am tired and long not to care.
This is where the weather turns. It has to. I want to force it away but it has to run it's course as with times before. And the truth is that it will change. For the better. The tide will rise above the rocks, if I can just hold on until then. If I can just learn to be still and wait on the tide.

Tortured reality.

I am a tortured dreamer. I wait for them. I want to go back into them and finish the dream. I don't think that this is unusual. To want to make the dream work.
I treasure my friends. I hold a place for anyone that has been close to me. I don't like to let go.
I think that is where the tortured dreams come in.
I often dream that someone is coming back. Turning time. But then the tortured part. I have moved on. I am torn. I want to make it work. I want to fix the torture.... but I have to let it go.
The waking up part sucks. It messes with my reality. I miss whoever I have been dreaming about but they aren't around and couldn't be. Won't be. And if they were, my reality would be just like my dreams.... I would have to let go, move on.
I have moved on... but when they come back in my dreams, it reminds me of what is gone, or lost, or missed.
I don't mind changing the relationship. The way we interact. The time we spend. I just don't like disconnect. So, if you are my friend. You are always welcome, you are always loved. And if you feel like this is strange because you haven't seen me in forever.... I have met you in my dreams many times.
One day my friend, one day.

Creative cold.

It feels like autumn today. It is only July. It makes me want to put on a warm sweater and quilt. I love the fall. I just would love some summer sun to store up for the long winter. And my kids are restless. There is nothing going on. No programs. No school. And I can't really quilt. Life is too busy. In fact I can't even leave the room without someone fighting, crying, screaming, sneaking something they aren't supposed to, making a huge mess. I haven't had a break for a loooong time. I don't even want one. I am too tired. I can't wait until our fence is built so I can let the kids run and just sit. Sit and stare and relax and soak up some vitamin D. Would a weeks worth of good sleep, some vitamin D, and a getaway (even for a few hours) help at this point? Then maybe my body would match my ambition and I could quilt.

standing alone.

I can't remember the last time I was happy. Really happy. I see glimpses of it. I might even know how to get there. It can't be recreated. It just happens. From happy things. Even my happy things are tainted. And I just want to cry. If I can just cry then maybe I can be happy again. This is the feeling that has come. I don't like feeling stuck. I don't like feeling in a cloud. A protective cloud of nothingness. I don't know when I started being angry. I hate being angry. I have forgiven the angry stuff but I can't go back and fix those places. They have left scars. Unhappy ones. Sometimes I think about going back in my mind. Scenarios's that just make it worse. I can't go back. I am stuck in forward. With scars. With decisions that drag me down. I can't rise above because my path is twisted and I can't be stronger... maybe as strong as I was, because my leg is broken. Or my heart. That's it. My heart is broken. In many pieces. And I lost those pieces. I miss those times. Those people. Those places. But I am changed. Maybe for the better. But not stronger. And now I am unknown. I have to start all over. I have to be me. I want to be her again for awhile. Or her. Me hurts. I am alone. Except for Jesus.   

Antisocial.

My heart is on pause.
I don't want to pursue friendships right now. I am waiting for my new home. I have so much on my mind. Between that and the beautiful sun staying out late, I am avoiding early bedtime. I am tired. I am disappointed in relationships too. So I am avoiding. I am avoiding functions... avoiding doctor's appointments...avoiding. I just want to stay home and rest. I wish the kids would let me rest. They are social creatures as well. I am having too many anxiety attacks. They feel beyond anxiety. Sometimes I wait for my heart to stop beating. It feels like it might. Sometimes it is good. I feel like it is such an easy fix. Some good times. Some big hugs. But those times and hugs aren't coming. I wish I could make some understand what tears a person down and what builds them up. Look at yourself. What does it for you? I just need some kindness, thoughtfulness, unselfishness.... I don't want to feel devastated from things going on around me. I feel like I might yell at someone out of disbelief of how they are acting. Maybe I am just down. Overloaded of life. I am not sure. I will just stay home.

Like this....... (Gateway Worship - Revelation Song - Kari Jobe)

Wrecked of this world, bound for glory.

In my car, in my house, I worship big. Arms out, dancing, singing loud. My kids do too. In church I recluse like most others. I worship inwardly. It is reminiscent to the relationship that I have with my husband. The intimacy at home is shared between me and God. I can be real. Be trusting. Be content and joyful. When we go home (to Heaven) I am sure that all fear, shame, hurt will be stripped of us and we will (and will be able to) worship as a whole. Unburdened.

In twelve days.

Imagine a day with big dark blue rain clouds mixed in with warm sky. Over a lake. Golden fall leaves surrounding still on the trees. I can feel it. It is warm but comfy sweater warm. It is my home. Or at least it will be. I have a palette on my mind. We bought our farmhouse. A little home on an acre. It is so peaceful out there. It all came together last minute. But it all came together.
It has a little work to be done but it is ours. We can take our time. I am trying to ease into it. To not worry. To not let my mind wander over the things that could disturb my peace. I can't wait to settle in.
There is a wall to be built. Maybe a fence too. A deck repair. A deck with a view. Then paint. Lots of paint. With colors like farmhouse white and antique tin.
But I have to try and stay in a state of calm. Where change used to inspire it now sometimes does not. I am hopeful and excited. A place to feel settled. A place to be peaceful. A place to breathe the fresh air.